giving up.

don't you just feel like giving up sometimes? i mean....there just comes a point where you are like, "what is the use and why am i still here?" i felt like that on friday. not suicidal - though it sure sounds like it - but i was thinking, "LORD! why am i still here...can i just be taken up to heaven now? i really wouldn't mind going right about now." it's one of those low moments you sink into because you find yourself in a pit and wallowing in it. you think, man! what's the purpose of my life? why can't i leave this world of pain? but i know why i am here, i have a dang purpose to fulfill and i haven't carried it out, whatever it may be. in any case, what i learned today and what i have come to grips with is that i am in - what pastor bellamy calls - 'God's training camp.' The boot camp called life: where we are put through trials and pains to help build our character through a process called discipline. i am being disciplined as i have been disciplining my 18 kids. not out of hatred or punishment but out of love and for the best interest in their lives. this is not a happy thing ...sometimes [most of the time] it is painful yet necessary to help mold what is good and beneficial in my eyes. that's what the Lord is doing but on a much higher and more perfect level - as what HE sees is significantly better than what i can see. sigh....long story short...i am back on track and ready to rumble...bring it on....no pain. no gain.

hebrews 12:1-13 [you got some time? read this for reflection and marinate in it.]

rain.

i should be doing something productive right now like:
grade papers - write future math graphic organizers - read something.
but it's raining. don't know why but i'm using that as my excuse.
i just can't seem to get motivated. i think i finally understand
how my students feel. sad. i yell at them so much. but i want
them all to pass. i know i don't have control over that - but if i
have somewhat of an authority to influence it - then by all bat mobile
i'm going to shove all the information that i can into their
brains until the very bitter end of the last grueling minute
of their third grade career.

aaaaah!! it's raining like hoodrats right now and i'm home alone!
and sitting near the window...hmmmm, maybe i should move...
eeeeek someone hold me....
at least i have my laptop computer. aaaaaaah!

so scareeeeeed....

trust. patience. faith.

what i want to know, what i need to know, and what i think i know is all irrelevent. what i see is not always what it appears to be. when will i get my answer? only the Lord will reveal in His good time. patience is key. faith is necessary. and trust is the foundation. a battle - no doubt - when all i can think of is when will i get the answer to my question: what is to become of this? yea or nay...

if only.

questions you ask yourself that has nothing but negative bad emotions and regrets. if only i was a Christian when i was younger i wouldn't have made the same mistakes, if only i knew what i know now, if only i could've said no and not give in, if only i spent more time with them, if only i wasn't chicken enough to go talk to him/her...

it's the if onlys that will kill a soul and spirit to where we are no longer useful to God. i have passed the if onlys but not to say that i have successfuly conquered the if onlys. they creep back, but what i have to remind myself is that God's grace is sufficient enough to have let go what was needed to be left. what i need is faith and trust. to hear HIS voice, to follow HIS will or else whatever i have planned or i want is rubbish compared to HIS plan. it's because i realize the full effect of digressing into one's own self centerdeness that makes me afraid: i am afraid that i will make the wrong choice that is against the Lord's will. so i don't do anything: i don't move, i don't budge and what i came to realize that in me being idle - i myself am sinning because without movement - how can someone correct you? how can the Lord push me to the right way if i haven't even taken a step? it's like with my students, i can't help them until they communicate to me. the only way they can communicate to me is if they DO something. whether it be in writing, verbally, or physically - i can't be of any use until they react, move, speak. ironic, i get so scared in making the wrong move that i actually do more harm than good. it's like stopping the car in the middle of the street when you know you are lost. you don't want to get even more lost so you just stop. does that make sense? take out GPS nav systems because let's face it, not all of us are blinging these days to afford one of those nifty gadgets and admit if you don't move, you can't get anywhere! you have to move! i have to move! even if it is in the wrong direction, hopefully and prayerfully He will get me back on track once i am able to stop and able to reference a map that can lead me to the right place. though I will most likely make unwanted detours on my journey - in the end - Lord willing, i will get to my destination. how fast i get there is dependent upon how fast i am willing to go and how much I am willing to trust the Map and how many detours can i evade.

moving forward.

it seems that wherever i go i see the same theme being repeated: 'forward march!' it's a new year. time to start a new beginning. a fresh life. to move forward you need to take that step. it's that first step that's always the hardest. it's that first reaching out that brings you to tears as you hesitate in fear of what it may bring. to be honest i'm scared and excited at the same time. oh yeah, i want a new start but without all the start-aches. Lord help me, i feel like crud.

scared.

i don't want to go back to school.

wishes

i wish i was not me. because i don't like me right now.
i wish i was better. because i suck.
i wish i could get over looking inward. because i'm selfish.
i wish i can make a firm decision. because i'm indecisive.
i wish the wilderness part is almost over. because i can't see.
i wish i have trust. because i lack it.
i wish i wasn't feeling blue. because i feel like poo.

i wish this wasn't as depressing but i guess that's what i was
feeling on 11.2007