dismal to dyn-o-mite day.

There's a reason why you let the kids write about themselves, hysterical laughter. Today was the absolute most horrendous of a school day and it's just the second week. [Looking forward to the next 9 months. Please note the extreme sarcasm.] Got me a pee-er and two liars accompanied by a ferocious anxiety attack in the morning. Grandma lecture of how to teach a child correct behavior and a father's denial that his "good" kid can do no wrong to end my day. Conversation with father to extend during my whole 25 minutes of lunch come this Thursday. All in all....I'm thankful to be alive. It's funny now, but had you been at my school to witness me this morning, you would've seen a torn up teacher. So being the optimist that I am [note sarcasm again], I decided to "get to know" my kids, as if that would alleviate the pangs of my woes. I finally read their "Get Acquainted" paper I asked them to complete last week, ta hahahah...we need to work on GRAMMAR/SPELLING. [Isn't the kettle calling the teapot black?] To get a feel with what I am working with see examples of student's work below. True names will not be revealed and spelling errors will remain in tact to keep integrity of the author's writing.

Favorite food is: Rice With Fish and Soup [Only an Asian girl would write this down]
My favorite game is: I love to clean [Wow. Really?]

Gigantor of a Behavioral Issue Student/ Pee-er
The subject I like best is: math
The subject I like least is: spilling [Hmm, would explain the incident today.]

Just exited Bilingual Student
The subject I like least is: waking up early [waaaa?!?!]
I feel proud when my dad makes his ribbis. [Dude, I'm speechless. I would like to think he was trying to say rib eyes but I have no clue.]

Amazon Girl Student
I would like to be a Movie Star when I group up. [Ahh yes, I would like you to group up too.]

answer.

So, not only am I indecisive but I'm a little bit impatient. Well, not entirely true in all instances or circumstances but when it deals with matters of the heart and the Lord - I am a microwaveable answer wanting fool. I've been up since 4 AM on my day off. [Yep that's right - madness I say madness!] I got a definite 1 of 2 answers on what I should do. Progress! The first I have no doubt that I need to suck it up and obey. It will be the most challenging thing that will be the death of me this school year. There is such an easier, greener road I can take on that one but sigh....you know how that story goes...must be obedient. The second answer I have is like, "Really?! Are you sure? Really?!" type of answer. It makes no sense. It's a leap of faith. "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." [Hebrews 11:1] I really don't know what is to come or if I am making the right decision. The Lord has been placing verses here and there to encourage me that all will be okay. "Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." [Hebrews 10:36] It will disappoint the old but will be embraced by the new. Lord willing, I will take this step of faith. "...as a result, we learned not to rely on ourselves, but on God..." [2 Corinthians 1:8]

I gotta laugh at the thought of my current situation. Three years ago, making these decisions would not even exist as I would not hesitate in doing whatever that was best for me. It makes me smile at the many miles I have gone in my walk. As Romans 6:20 explains it: In those days, I was a slave to sin and wasn't concerned with doing what was right in His eyes. I was ashamed of the things I used to do but now, I am a slave of God and do things to please Him. I have many many more miles to go but I'm steadily trying to walk forward. For "it isn't enough just to have faith. Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all - it is dead and useless." [James 2:17] Pawn to the King. Lead me back if I made the wrong choice. My eyes are on You. Checkmate.

direction. decisions. diffuse bomb.

I'm a pretty indecisive person. So when there's three choices, I wait until the other two are taken to make my choice. Even then, I wonder if I was even meant to choose the third one or should I have left it for someone else? I'm second guessing every decision I make, every step that I take...it's like that creepy love song, "Every breathe you take, every step you take...I'll be watching you..." but that has nothing to do with what I am facing. [mental note: avoid side tracking.]

I want to do what is right. I want to do what is on His plan, but why oh WHY do I not know what that is!? Sort of takes you back to that Catch 22 in regards to the freedom of choice dilemma thing. The freedom of choosing the red pill or the blue pill. I have the power to choose when I sadly do not want that freedom liberty thing at this moment. Lord, just tell me! I will follow. Sadly, I hear nothing. I see nothing. I know nothing. The only thing I know is I am totally in the midst of chaotic torture of a mind trip. [Must press on. Get it together Nguyen!] Sigh....whatever...I'm throwing the slips of paper into a bucket and picking out my choice of where to go, what to do, and when. Jesus, guide the piece of paper into my hand...or slap me. Either way, talk to me. Please.

Side note:

Refreshing verse I read today:
John 15:16 "You didn't choose me. I chose you."

believe.

My sister's friend is over at the house doing some project for her parent's 50th anniversary. She brought her baby. Cute little thing was cute when he was peacefully laying there in his crib/car seat thing. However, that was very short lived when a wave of wailing proceeded by his arms tossing from side to side suddenly commenced one hour after her arrival. Needless to say, my nap time was short lived as well. I couldn't help but envy the baby. It didn't care about the worries of tomorrow or even today. It didn't wonder about what others would think of it when it cried. It simply did what it knew and felt. Something bothered him, he let his momma know the only way he knew how and she came a running.

Have you ever felt a big knot in your heart? So heavy, filled with God only knows what, and you want it out but it just won't leave and let you be? You just want to slam doors, kick walls, or shake keyboards violently to help lessen the pain of what has been pulling you down. I want to wail like that baby. I want to scream. I want someone to pick me up and say that all is fine, give me a hug, and calm me down when I do. Yes, I know it is going to be fine but somehow having someone there just to guide you along makes it easier. Everyone has their own burdens and battles that I think it silly of me to impose mine on theirs. Call it pride...I want to reach out but I can't. This is about the most I can do to let it out. God is sovereign and Jesus is enough. I've got to hold on to that. I'm gripping it with all I have left in me. I may not feel like He is but I trust in believing that He is and that He will come through. The feelings may never catch up to what I believe to be true but I must act like it is so, that it may be so. You are what you believe. The mind is a powerful thing. It can be the source to keep you alive or the downfall to take you out. The things of this world sets a trap and it hooks me from time to time. Worry, anxiety, frustration comes rushing in and I start to doubt myself. Ironic, isn't it? I am a teacher. I am placed in the schools to help kids believe in themselves. These kids are so bright and unaware of how much potential they have in their lives. How much they can do if they just believe. How hard is that? I tell them over and over that I believe in them. I believe they can do it. I know they can do it and that they too should start believing in themselves. While I am telling them to believe in themselves I barely believe myself. It's like that one man who cried out to the Lord, "I want to believe, but help my unbelief." I'm not looking for pity, I just want to be real with you. If you ever find yourself feeling like you're in a deep dark hole with nothing to look up to and dirt is starting to pour over and on you, just remember though it may seem like it is getting worse, you can do something about it. Shake the dirt off of you. Step on it, pound it down. Don't let it overtake you. Slowly and surely, the dirt that was meant to bury you will rise as you step and pound on top of it. Soon you find yourself gladly pounding on the dirt to climb out of the hole where you once thought you could never get out. It's rough, it's tough and believe me you start to lose hope. Press on and keep on going. Meanwhile, I'm praying for the both of us. Don't lose heart. Don't lose hope. God is sovereign and Jesus is enough. I believe in Him. Do you believe?

sigh...

....extenuation of mental exhaustion. I don't think I can hold up much longer. Been having the insomniac sleeping conditions again. I quiver at the thought of undergoing the same fatalities as last year. Oh Lord, please no. The warning signs are surfacing though and I can't seem to stop them. I know everything will be okay but why the 5:30 AM wake up??!?! Seriously? The lack of sleep is slowly deteriorating my brain - the little that I have left - and working wonders in my patience. I was about a nano second away from yelling at a friend for helping me and my brother in law for being hungry. Oh my! Soooooooo....

I declare tomorrow: SLEEP day! wahooooo...

after attending my beloved church that is. Oh and that one scrapbook sister thing in the afternoon. Okay perhaps not sleep DAY but surely I will be able to fit a NAP into my schedule?!?! Ohhhh naps are just a blessing man - truly undervalued blessing. I heart naps. te he...oh just thinking about having the opportunity to take a nap makes me giddy again. yay!

overload.

Work overload. Info overload. Brain overload.
Oh, and I plum blacked out at JoAnn's due to
the re-allocation of my blood to the carter blood center.

Too late to get it back now. ai....
Can't sleep. Fidgety. Will be at school tomorrow.
Psycho? Of course! The kids are coming MONDAY!
So much to do...so much to remember....so MUCH.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
Mind roaming at a rapid pace. Turtle brain slow to process all of it.
Still a peace invades me every now and then about the whole thing. odd...
Must be Holy Spirit. Thanks gooooooodnesssssss.

PS. I just got a $1.77 check from Old Navy. WOW! What will I ever do with the gargantuan of a check thing? Hoping not to spend all in one place. hehaha...dude, can't even buy a Happy Meal. Sigh....but I sure can get me a dollar value hamburger with no onions. Mmmmm...

a mother's inconceivable declaration.

Hahaha...I haven't seen my parents in about 2 1/2 weeks and this is what I get when I finally do visit them:

me: "Mom, Dad - Helllooo?!?!"
dad: silent accompanied with a strange look.
me: gave the man a hug, a smile, and a hello.
dad: nothing. the man lays stiff on the bed but still maintains the strange look.
me: alright, moving along to the kitchen for mom then.

[side attack by rugrat dog of a muskrat. grrrr...he's still alive.]

mom: "VIIIIIIIIINA! You look better. Your hair is so long!"
me: "Hiiiiii MOM!" [cheesy big grin smile]
mom: Ecstatic smile reciprocation and then an emphatic, "You have a BOYFRIEND don't you?!"
me: er, whaaa?!?! "Noooooo Mom I don't!" [accompanied by hysterical laugh that causes more incrimination than you can imagine]
mom: "You DO that's why we haven't seen you!"
me: "MOM, NO really I don't. I'm sorry - no boyfriend, just been busy. I am just really happy to see you and your weirdness!" [ok, I didn't say weirdness but I really wanted to as I was still laughing from the unforeseen comment. The laughing is actually hurting my case than helping it because when I lie, I smile really big because I stink at lying. Ha haha..]
mom: "Noooo, you do!!!! DAAAD she finally has a boyfriend!"

dad: straggles in the kitchen at a rather rapid pace. "Where have you been? What have you been doing? Why so long? Who are you?!"
mom: "You finally have a boyfriend! Ha hah ah ha...yay!"
dog: barking at all the commotion.
me: Oh my! Seriously?!? Maybe I should have just called.

The real cause of the joy: Jesus Christ my friends. Jesus Christ and His unconditional love and grace towards me.