27:5

Have you ever done something, said something you thought you should have but when you are in the midst of the act you wish you could just stop, take back what you said, wish you weren't you right now? Guts are revealed and the gritty gruesome cold feeling of crud consumes your entire being. Enter in Proverbs 27:5

"Open rebuke is better than hidden love."

You don't know what this feels like? You don't know what this means? Consider yourself lucky. It's the feeling as if someone knocked the wind out of you. While you are down and out cold, they decide to revive you and hit you again. You wished you were in an unconscious state of mind but you aren't, you feel every bit of this sharp stinging pain. You're up again and who's hurting you is someone you love. They walk away and all you can do is watch them go. You want to run after them, but what is love if it is forced obligation? It's like someone is pulling out your heart and letting you see it's last heartbeat before you die. Funny thing is, you live through this. This won't kill you [not physically]...you hate yourself and you feel stupid. I feel stupid. Sometimes I wonder about myself. How in the WORLD am I still alive? This must be what the Lord feels like when He is rejected from the very being He took so much time to make. What I fail to do is love Him the way that He so desires to be loved. I've hit Him again and again. I've ripped out His heart, held it in my hands and laughed with it in His face. All He does is look at me with love and hurt at the things I do to Him. MAN! I don't understand why He gives me the grace and mercy that I so do not deserve. I don't even want to be around me right now. How He can still bear to see my face is beyond my comprehension. I can't, I can't understand it. I don't think I ever will until I meet His face. To be in His presence and be engulfed in His love. Ohhh, I can't wait "because You are, You are my hope. You are, You are my Song. You are, You are my Light. You are my Salvation." Come save me from me. Come pull me through. I need Your help Jesus. I need You.