i wish i was not me. because i don't like me right now.
i wish i was better. because i suck.
i wish i could get over looking inward. because i'm selfish.
i wish i can make a firm decision. because i'm indecisive.
i wish the wilderness part is almost over. because i can't see.
i wish i have trust. because i lack it.
i wish i wasn't feeling blue. because i feel like poo.
i wish this wasn't as depressing but i guess that's what i was
feeling on 11.2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
it's been a while
It has been a VERY long time since I've been on here. A fellow teacher has a blog and has been updating rather frequently - making me compelled to make a small posting update. In any case, I love the third grade teachers I work with. I truly believe that if it wasn't for them and the Divine Appointment of God placing me where I currently am - I would have quit teaching and called it a "mistake" and "what the heck was I thinking?" categories. Wellllll.... I still have reservations in making the crazy career jump but for now - AT & EM are a BLESSING each and every day. AND that is an understatement. I hope they know how much I am so happy to be part of their team and how much they keep me alive and sane day to day. They are truly magnificent teachers.
What am I up to today? Trying to relax. Rather hard when all of a sudden you have anxiety attacks. Planning things happens to elevate the situation so I try not to plan - for the most part - and live the "go with the flow" theme. I used to be really good at that. I used to be able to sleep without waking up in a terror if I forgot to make copies for my students. I used to not worry about a kid and why they are not understanding that when you make a trip you have to go to the destination and then back! I used to be more relaxed and less anal. I used to be fun. Now I am dull and a worrier wart. No wonder I'm single. ta hahahahahah.....DUDE. Being a teacher has made me a mess. I've obtained issues I've never thought I had! I guess being a teacher brings out the dormant villans from your insides so that you can feel oh so much better about yourself. Doesn't this just makes you want to become a teacher too? So, what is my "plan" to not plan? Breathe....and take it slow....disregarding time - so if I am late....my apologies...but I'm trying to relax so chill the popsicle out and go ahead without me - I fear that I may faint if you put pressure on me by giving me a timeline. I realize I get an attack too if someone tells me a problem and I really want to fix it for them but I have no authority to nor do I even know what to say to make them feel better. I can't breathe, start to convulse, and need to sit down. And you thought YOU had issues? welcome to my world.
What am I up to today? Trying to relax. Rather hard when all of a sudden you have anxiety attacks. Planning things happens to elevate the situation so I try not to plan - for the most part - and live the "go with the flow" theme. I used to be really good at that. I used to be able to sleep without waking up in a terror if I forgot to make copies for my students. I used to not worry about a kid and why they are not understanding that when you make a trip you have to go to the destination and then back! I used to be more relaxed and less anal. I used to be fun. Now I am dull and a worrier wart. No wonder I'm single. ta hahahahahah.....DUDE. Being a teacher has made me a mess. I've obtained issues I've never thought I had! I guess being a teacher brings out the dormant villans from your insides so that you can feel oh so much better about yourself. Doesn't this just makes you want to become a teacher too? So, what is my "plan" to not plan? Breathe....and take it slow....disregarding time - so if I am late....my apologies...but I'm trying to relax so chill the popsicle out and go ahead without me - I fear that I may faint if you put pressure on me by giving me a timeline. I realize I get an attack too if someone tells me a problem and I really want to fix it for them but I have no authority to nor do I even know what to say to make them feel better. I can't breathe, start to convulse, and need to sit down. And you thought YOU had issues? welcome to my world.
Friday, June 22, 2007
3 Words
You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less.
It's harder than you think.
1. Where is your cell phone?
in the bag
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?:
missing in action
3. Your hair?:
still in tact
4. Where is your father?:
with my mom
6. Your favorite thing to do?:
read, think, pray
7. Your dream last night?:
can not remember
8. Your favorite drink?:
white mocha academia
9. Your dream car?:
is paid off
10. The room you're in?:
neighborhood cup cafe
12. Your fears?:
away from God
14. Who did you hang out with last night?:
kim, anil, hong
15. What you're not good at?:
singing in tune
16. Muffins?:
what? muffins! where?
17. One of your wish list items?:
save a soul
18. where did you grow up?:
in Arlington, Texas
19. The last thing you did?
finish on-line assignment
20. What are you wearing?:
clean comfy clothes
22. Your pet?:
inefficiently potty trained
23. Your computer?:
is not mine
24. Your life?
is ever changing
25. Your mood?:
peacefully at rest
26. Missing?:
my running shoes
27. What are you thinking about right now?:
upcoming beach activities
28. Your car?:
mini cooper s
29. Your work?:
to change soon
30. Your summer?:
a new beginning
31. Your status?:
waiting for guidance
32. Your favorite color(s):
found in nature
33. When is the last time you laughed?
ten seconds ago
34. Last time you cried?:
wednesday june 13
35. School?
bring it on!
It's harder than you think.
1. Where is your cell phone?
in the bag
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?:
missing in action
3. Your hair?:
still in tact
4. Where is your father?:
with my mom
6. Your favorite thing to do?:
read, think, pray
7. Your dream last night?:
can not remember
8. Your favorite drink?:
white mocha academia
9. Your dream car?:
is paid off
10. The room you're in?:
neighborhood cup cafe
12. Your fears?:
away from God
14. Who did you hang out with last night?:
kim, anil, hong
15. What you're not good at?:
singing in tune
16. Muffins?:
what? muffins! where?
17. One of your wish list items?:
save a soul
18. where did you grow up?:
in Arlington, Texas
19. The last thing you did?
finish on-line assignment
20. What are you wearing?:
clean comfy clothes
22. Your pet?:
inefficiently potty trained
23. Your computer?:
is not mine
24. Your life?
is ever changing
25. Your mood?:
peacefully at rest
26. Missing?:
my running shoes
27. What are you thinking about right now?:
upcoming beach activities
28. Your car?:
mini cooper s
29. Your work?:
to change soon
30. Your summer?:
a new beginning
31. Your status?:
waiting for guidance
32. Your favorite color(s):
found in nature
33. When is the last time you laughed?
ten seconds ago
34. Last time you cried?:
wednesday june 13
35. School?
bring it on!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
deliver me.
...it is not that i found you, but You found me.
you allowed me to see you for who you truly are and with that, you helped me to trust you with my life, to have an open mind to see the truth in your word, to have a heart and desire to be used by you. it is how you have changed me that i am truly thankful for. it is the battle within me that keeps me away. help deliver me from myself. "Jesus...Jesus...deliver me, come pull me through. come pull me through." [david crowder band]
you allowed me to see you for who you truly are and with that, you helped me to trust you with my life, to have an open mind to see the truth in your word, to have a heart and desire to be used by you. it is how you have changed me that i am truly thankful for. it is the battle within me that keeps me away. help deliver me from myself. "Jesus...Jesus...deliver me, come pull me through. come pull me through." [david crowder band]
Friday, May 11, 2007
observation
what i learned today from observing at morton elementary:
when a student answers a question correctly,
the teacher praises him/her and says, "very good! kiss your brain!!"
when students come back from bathroom,
the teacher doesn't ask "did you wash your hands?"
instead they say, "you want a squirt?" [of antibacterial gel]
when a student complains, "why do boys get to go first and not girls?"
teacher responds, "to make sure it's safe!"
[needless to say this was a male teacher...]
day full of goodness i say....day full of goodness.
when a student answers a question correctly,
the teacher praises him/her and says, "very good! kiss your brain!!"
when students come back from bathroom,
the teacher doesn't ask "did you wash your hands?"
instead they say, "you want a squirt?" [of antibacterial gel]
when a student complains, "why do boys get to go first and not girls?"
teacher responds, "to make sure it's safe!"
[needless to say this was a male teacher...]
day full of goodness i say....day full of goodness.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
it is what it is.
satisfied. contentment. easy concept. hard practicing. sometimes, i am so consumed with other people's life. their testimonies. their blessing. their togetherness. i get caught up trying to become whomever it is that i think i should be that i lose sight of who i am. everyone has their own unique story. everyone has their own testimony. everyone gets their own blessings. when i get trapped into thinking that i deserve what they deserve, i get into some trouble. frustration sets in. anger boils up. and sadness overflows. to pathetically attempt to redeem myself, i try to be someone i can't ever be so i can get what they got. funny thing? i don't get it. literally, i don't GET it. i don't get what they got and i can't understand why. but what God graciously gave me is MY life. what i get and when i get it, is up to God's divine time. and i realize that He decides what He gives me, not me....as Ecclesiastes 6:10 says "Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there's no use arguing with God about your destiny." there's no use crying over it either. as i like to say now-a-days, it is what it is...so let it be and praise God all along the way.
Monday, April 16, 2007
romans 5.3-4
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good fo us - they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation." [NLT]
huh...well isn't that just a crack in my peanut? i didn't stop to think. i didn't pause to realize how i believe in this now. i emphasize now because shoot, tell me this a year or two ago and i would laugh in your face. look forward in getting beat down, filled with sorrow, pain and hurt? oh yeah! i'm sort of like...come on God - what's next? because i know i can surely use a break me down and make me whole again right about now. i'm due for an almighty experience from You. i mean the after affects of all that sorrow is grace and joy - HIS grace and joy. It's re-emphasizing what Ecclesiastes 7:3 says: "Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." after He has humbled me, crushed me, and put me back together - i'm not the same anymore - i'm better - not as in i'm better than the next person or anything like that. but it's more in the sense of i'm a better person to be used by Him. it's like fixing one little part of the engine to get the entire transmission to run smoothly. one piece at a time. as long as I got Jesus everything will be alright. toot toot!
huh...well isn't that just a crack in my peanut? i didn't stop to think. i didn't pause to realize how i believe in this now. i emphasize now because shoot, tell me this a year or two ago and i would laugh in your face. look forward in getting beat down, filled with sorrow, pain and hurt? oh yeah! i'm sort of like...come on God - what's next? because i know i can surely use a break me down and make me whole again right about now. i'm due for an almighty experience from You. i mean the after affects of all that sorrow is grace and joy - HIS grace and joy. It's re-emphasizing what Ecclesiastes 7:3 says: "Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." after He has humbled me, crushed me, and put me back together - i'm not the same anymore - i'm better - not as in i'm better than the next person or anything like that. but it's more in the sense of i'm a better person to be used by Him. it's like fixing one little part of the engine to get the entire transmission to run smoothly. one piece at a time. as long as I got Jesus everything will be alright. toot toot!
Friday, April 13, 2007
love
God,
I love you more than I can contain myself.
It’s ridiculous. It’s insane.
And I am so very thankful for it.
If someone asked me why am I so pleasantly peaceful and happy,
answer would have to be because of You.
If someone asked me what am I thinking about,
answer would have to be how much I love Jesus.
I can just see the crazy stares and the disbelief.
and the condemnation to come…but hey, I am what I am.
and it is what it is…all I can do is love as You have loved me.
I don’t know why You are giving me all this love and presence today
but all I have to say is thank you and by all means
bring this goodness anytime…all the time.
It is times like these that I try to hold on to as long as possible.
So that, when there are times where I cannot feel Your presence,
I cannot feel Your love and I cannot feel You near –
I can look back to the days where I could, and
I will remain hopeful praising You all the way until my feelings return.
I love you more than I can contain myself.
It’s ridiculous. It’s insane.
And I am so very thankful for it.
If someone asked me why am I so pleasantly peaceful and happy,
answer would have to be because of You.
If someone asked me what am I thinking about,
answer would have to be how much I love Jesus.
I can just see the crazy stares and the disbelief.
and the condemnation to come…but hey, I am what I am.
and it is what it is…all I can do is love as You have loved me.
I don’t know why You are giving me all this love and presence today
but all I have to say is thank you and by all means
bring this goodness anytime…all the time.
It is times like these that I try to hold on to as long as possible.
So that, when there are times where I cannot feel Your presence,
I cannot feel Your love and I cannot feel You near –
I can look back to the days where I could, and
I will remain hopeful praising You all the way until my feelings return.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
one fully loaded potato
tuesday was chipotle day at my office. and being the good supporter i am - i joined the other Chipotlians and went to get my ginormous of a barbacoa burrito with rice, green peppers, pico, lettuce, cheese, sour cream, guacamole and hot sauce on the side. to my amazement - i ate the whole thing. i had intended to only eat half. i was anticipating a large dinner later on. come 6 pm there was a final meeting hoopla at pappadeaux's. i decided to get their crawfish 1 LB special. it came with potato and corn. a fellow sister had it too but didn't eat her potato. i couldn't let it go to waste so i ate it for her. helped the same fellow sister with her salad. ate the appetizer bread. top that off with an order of chicken tenders & fries and washed it all down with some bread pudding. i think i may have over done it with the bread pudding because the repercussions of all the food did not kick in until the bread pudding. but twas all too late. rubbing my belly did not help. i thought to myself: surely this will not last til tomorrow.
tomorrow came and stomach still not happy. throwing back 4 tums did not help. coke didn't help. neither did eating all those almonds. the smell of food made me sick. smoothie king - couldn't even drink a quarter of it. it was just pure deadly TIME. as the seconds ticked on by, my stomach was one angry intestine. ironically, i was reading the Bible before all of this and it fell on 1 Peter 1:13 "So think clearly and exercise self control" d'oh! yeah...didn't see that one coming. did not realize that He was trying to warn me of my future food intake - i thought God was warning me about mental stuff...who would've thunk it
note to self: need to breathe more while eating instead of inhaling the food. that, and i need to chew the recommended 26 times before you swallow. i heard that helps slow down the crazy eater in you. whaaaaa!?!? yeah...maybe i just need more self-control.
tomorrow came and stomach still not happy. throwing back 4 tums did not help. coke didn't help. neither did eating all those almonds. the smell of food made me sick. smoothie king - couldn't even drink a quarter of it. it was just pure deadly TIME. as the seconds ticked on by, my stomach was one angry intestine. ironically, i was reading the Bible before all of this and it fell on 1 Peter 1:13 "So think clearly and exercise self control" d'oh! yeah...didn't see that one coming. did not realize that He was trying to warn me of my future food intake - i thought God was warning me about mental stuff...who would've thunk it
note to self: need to breathe more while eating instead of inhaling the food. that, and i need to chew the recommended 26 times before you swallow. i heard that helps slow down the crazy eater in you. whaaaaa!?!? yeah...maybe i just need more self-control.
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