I'm a pretty indecisive person. So when there's three choices, I wait until the other two are taken to make my choice. Even then, I wonder if I was even meant to choose the third one or should I have left it for someone else? I'm second guessing every decision I make, every step that I take...it's like that creepy love song, "Every breathe you take, every step you take...I'll be watching you..." but that has nothing to do with what I am facing. [mental note: avoid side tracking.]
I want to do what is right. I want to do what is on His plan, but why oh WHY do I not know what that is!? Sort of takes you back to that Catch 22 in regards to the freedom of choice dilemma thing. The freedom of choosing the red pill or the blue pill. I have the power to choose when I sadly do not want that freedom liberty thing at this moment. Lord, just tell me! I will follow. Sadly, I hear nothing. I see nothing. I know nothing. The only thing I know is I am totally in the midst of chaotic torture of a mind trip. [Must press on. Get it together Nguyen!] Sigh....whatever...I'm throwing the slips of paper into a bucket and picking out my choice of where to go, what to do, and when. Jesus, guide the piece of paper into my hand...or slap me. Either way, talk to me. Please.
Side note:
Refreshing verse I read today:
John 15:16 "You didn't choose me. I chose you."
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
believe.
My sister's friend is over at the house doing some project for her parent's 50th anniversary. She brought her baby. Cute little thing was cute when he was peacefully laying there in his crib/car seat thing. However, that was very short lived when a wave of wailing proceeded by his arms tossing from side to side suddenly commenced one hour after her arrival. Needless to say, my nap time was short lived as well. I couldn't help but envy the baby. It didn't care about the worries of tomorrow or even today. It didn't wonder about what others would think of it when it cried. It simply did what it knew and felt. Something bothered him, he let his momma know the only way he knew how and she came a running.
Have you ever felt a big knot in your heart? So heavy, filled with God only knows what, and you want it out but it just won't leave and let you be? You just want to slam doors, kick walls, or shake keyboards violently to help lessen the pain of what has been pulling you down. I want to wail like that baby. I want to scream. I want someone to pick me up and say that all is fine, give me a hug, and calm me down when I do. Yes, I know it is going to be fine but somehow having someone there just to guide you along makes it easier. Everyone has their own burdens and battles that I think it silly of me to impose mine on theirs. Call it pride...I want to reach out but I can't. This is about the most I can do to let it out. God is sovereign and Jesus is enough. I've got to hold on to that. I'm gripping it with all I have left in me. I may not feel like He is but I trust in believing that He is and that He will come through. The feelings may never catch up to what I believe to be true but I must act like it is so, that it may be so. You are what you believe. The mind is a powerful thing. It can be the source to keep you alive or the downfall to take you out. The things of this world sets a trap and it hooks me from time to time. Worry, anxiety, frustration comes rushing in and I start to doubt myself. Ironic, isn't it? I am a teacher. I am placed in the schools to help kids believe in themselves. These kids are so bright and unaware of how much potential they have in their lives. How much they can do if they just believe. How hard is that? I tell them over and over that I believe in them. I believe they can do it. I know they can do it and that they too should start believing in themselves. While I am telling them to believe in themselves I barely believe myself. It's like that one man who cried out to the Lord, "I want to believe, but help my unbelief." I'm not looking for pity, I just want to be real with you. If you ever find yourself feeling like you're in a deep dark hole with nothing to look up to and dirt is starting to pour over and on you, just remember though it may seem like it is getting worse, you can do something about it. Shake the dirt off of you. Step on it, pound it down. Don't let it overtake you. Slowly and surely, the dirt that was meant to bury you will rise as you step and pound on top of it. Soon you find yourself gladly pounding on the dirt to climb out of the hole where you once thought you could never get out. It's rough, it's tough and believe me you start to lose hope. Press on and keep on going. Meanwhile, I'm praying for the both of us. Don't lose heart. Don't lose hope. God is sovereign and Jesus is enough. I believe in Him. Do you believe?
Have you ever felt a big knot in your heart? So heavy, filled with God only knows what, and you want it out but it just won't leave and let you be? You just want to slam doors, kick walls, or shake keyboards violently to help lessen the pain of what has been pulling you down. I want to wail like that baby. I want to scream. I want someone to pick me up and say that all is fine, give me a hug, and calm me down when I do. Yes, I know it is going to be fine but somehow having someone there just to guide you along makes it easier. Everyone has their own burdens and battles that I think it silly of me to impose mine on theirs. Call it pride...I want to reach out but I can't. This is about the most I can do to let it out. God is sovereign and Jesus is enough. I've got to hold on to that. I'm gripping it with all I have left in me. I may not feel like He is but I trust in believing that He is and that He will come through. The feelings may never catch up to what I believe to be true but I must act like it is so, that it may be so. You are what you believe. The mind is a powerful thing. It can be the source to keep you alive or the downfall to take you out. The things of this world sets a trap and it hooks me from time to time. Worry, anxiety, frustration comes rushing in and I start to doubt myself. Ironic, isn't it? I am a teacher. I am placed in the schools to help kids believe in themselves. These kids are so bright and unaware of how much potential they have in their lives. How much they can do if they just believe. How hard is that? I tell them over and over that I believe in them. I believe they can do it. I know they can do it and that they too should start believing in themselves. While I am telling them to believe in themselves I barely believe myself. It's like that one man who cried out to the Lord, "I want to believe, but help my unbelief." I'm not looking for pity, I just want to be real with you. If you ever find yourself feeling like you're in a deep dark hole with nothing to look up to and dirt is starting to pour over and on you, just remember though it may seem like it is getting worse, you can do something about it. Shake the dirt off of you. Step on it, pound it down. Don't let it overtake you. Slowly and surely, the dirt that was meant to bury you will rise as you step and pound on top of it. Soon you find yourself gladly pounding on the dirt to climb out of the hole where you once thought you could never get out. It's rough, it's tough and believe me you start to lose hope. Press on and keep on going. Meanwhile, I'm praying for the both of us. Don't lose heart. Don't lose hope. God is sovereign and Jesus is enough. I believe in Him. Do you believe?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
sigh...
....extenuation of mental exhaustion. I don't think I can hold up much longer. Been having the insomniac sleeping conditions again. I quiver at the thought of undergoing the same fatalities as last year. Oh Lord, please no. The warning signs are surfacing though and I can't seem to stop them. I know everything will be okay but why the 5:30 AM wake up??!?! Seriously? The lack of sleep is slowly deteriorating my brain - the little that I have left - and working wonders in my patience. I was about a nano second away from yelling at a friend for helping me and my brother in law for being hungry. Oh my! Soooooooo....
I declare tomorrow: SLEEP day! wahooooo...
after attending my beloved church that is. Oh and that one scrapbook sister thing in the afternoon. Okay perhaps not sleep DAY but surely I will be able to fit a NAP into my schedule?!?! Ohhhh naps are just a blessing man - truly undervalued blessing. I heart naps. te he...oh just thinking about having the opportunity to take a nap makes me giddy again. yay!
I declare tomorrow: SLEEP day! wahooooo...
after attending my beloved church that is. Oh and that one scrapbook sister thing in the afternoon. Okay perhaps not sleep DAY but surely I will be able to fit a NAP into my schedule?!?! Ohhhh naps are just a blessing man - truly undervalued blessing. I heart naps. te he...oh just thinking about having the opportunity to take a nap makes me giddy again. yay!
Friday, August 22, 2008
overload.
Work overload. Info overload. Brain overload.
Oh, and I plum blacked out at JoAnn's due to
the re-allocation of my blood to the carter blood center.
Too late to get it back now. ai....
Can't sleep. Fidgety. Will be at school tomorrow.
Psycho? Of course! The kids are coming MONDAY!
So much to do...so much to remember....so MUCH.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
Mind roaming at a rapid pace. Turtle brain slow to process all of it.
Still a peace invades me every now and then about the whole thing. odd...
Must be Holy Spirit. Thanks gooooooodnesssssss.
PS. I just got a $1.77 check from Old Navy. WOW! What will I ever do with the gargantuan of a check thing? Hoping not to spend all in one place. hehaha...dude, can't even buy a Happy Meal. Sigh....but I sure can get me a dollar value hamburger with no onions. Mmmmm...
Oh, and I plum blacked out at JoAnn's due to
the re-allocation of my blood to the carter blood center.
Too late to get it back now. ai....
Can't sleep. Fidgety. Will be at school tomorrow.
Psycho? Of course! The kids are coming MONDAY!
So much to do...so much to remember....so MUCH.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
Mind roaming at a rapid pace. Turtle brain slow to process all of it.
Still a peace invades me every now and then about the whole thing. odd...
Must be Holy Spirit. Thanks gooooooodnesssssss.
PS. I just got a $1.77 check from Old Navy. WOW! What will I ever do with the gargantuan of a check thing? Hoping not to spend all in one place. hehaha...dude, can't even buy a Happy Meal. Sigh....but I sure can get me a dollar value hamburger with no onions. Mmmmm...
Sunday, August 17, 2008
a mother's inconceivable declaration.
Hahaha...I haven't seen my parents in about 2 1/2 weeks and this is what I get when I finally do visit them:
me: "Mom, Dad - Helllooo?!?!"
dad: silent accompanied with a strange look.
me: gave the man a hug, a smile, and a hello.
dad: nothing. the man lays stiff on the bed but still maintains the strange look.
me: alright, moving along to the kitchen for mom then.
[side attack by rugrat dog of a muskrat. grrrr...he's still alive.]
mom: "VIIIIIIIIINA! You look better. Your hair is so long!"
me: "Hiiiiii MOM!" [cheesy big grin smile]
mom: Ecstatic smile reciprocation and then an emphatic, "You have a BOYFRIEND don't you?!"
me: er, whaaa?!?! "Noooooo Mom I don't!" [accompanied by hysterical laugh that causes more incrimination than you can imagine]
mom: "You DO that's why we haven't seen you!"
me: "MOM, NO really I don't. I'm sorry - no boyfriend, just been busy. I am just really happy to see you and your weirdness!" [ok, I didn't say weirdness but I really wanted to as I was still laughing from the unforeseen comment. The laughing is actually hurting my case than helping it because when I lie, I smile really big because I stink at lying. Ha haha..]
mom: "Noooo, you do!!!! DAAAD she finally has a boyfriend!"
dad: straggles in the kitchen at a rather rapid pace. "Where have you been? What have you been doing? Why so long? Who are you?!"
mom: "You finally have a boyfriend! Ha hah ah ha...yay!"
dog: barking at all the commotion.
me: Oh my! Seriously?!? Maybe I should have just called.
The real cause of the joy: Jesus Christ my friends. Jesus Christ and His unconditional love and grace towards me.
me: "Mom, Dad - Helllooo?!?!"
dad: silent accompanied with a strange look.
me: gave the man a hug, a smile, and a hello.
dad: nothing. the man lays stiff on the bed but still maintains the strange look.
me: alright, moving along to the kitchen for mom then.
[side attack by rugrat dog of a muskrat. grrrr...he's still alive.]
mom: "VIIIIIIIIINA! You look better. Your hair is so long!"
me: "Hiiiiii MOM!" [cheesy big grin smile]
mom: Ecstatic smile reciprocation and then an emphatic, "You have a BOYFRIEND don't you?!"
me: er, whaaa?!?! "Noooooo Mom I don't!" [accompanied by hysterical laugh that causes more incrimination than you can imagine]
mom: "You DO that's why we haven't seen you!"
me: "MOM, NO really I don't. I'm sorry - no boyfriend, just been busy. I am just really happy to see you and your weirdness!" [ok, I didn't say weirdness but I really wanted to as I was still laughing from the unforeseen comment. The laughing is actually hurting my case than helping it because when I lie, I smile really big because I stink at lying. Ha haha..]
mom: "Noooo, you do!!!! DAAAD she finally has a boyfriend!"
dad: straggles in the kitchen at a rather rapid pace. "Where have you been? What have you been doing? Why so long? Who are you?!"
mom: "You finally have a boyfriend! Ha hah ah ha...yay!"
dog: barking at all the commotion.
me: Oh my! Seriously?!? Maybe I should have just called.
The real cause of the joy: Jesus Christ my friends. Jesus Christ and His unconditional love and grace towards me.
Friday, August 15, 2008
weeeeeeeee!!
Awww…the joys of praise and worship – Luke Wood just makes it so much easier to get focused on the Lord. A newly found artist gratefully given by my newly found friend – on loan of course. I've been attending a prayer meeting each night this week. Well, except for Wednesday as it is OCBF day. It's been a blessing in teaching me on how to pray. Sounds funny but it's true, I needed help. It's like working out, when you first start it's awkward and you know it's good for you so you go. You run on the treadmill for 10 minutes and you pat yourself on the back for doing something. However, you know you should be increasing in workout quality but you don't really know how to get started correctly. So what do you do? You get a trainer. There is a reason why this group calls themselves "The Prayer House." These people know how to pray. It's been a hectic week and Lord knows I need prayer time. [Not just to pray for myself but intervening for others as well.] I've been running around in circles like a hamster in his wheel going nowhere. Perhaps it's more like a dog chasing his tail. I think I am getting closer, achieving something but in the end – I never quite get it. Literally, I don't ever get "it." I can't seem to get to the point where I can honestly say, "Yep, I'm ready for the litter of kids! Bring 'em in! Hook 'em horns!" Wait a minute, that's not right. He he…I didn't even attend UT. Te hehe. In any case, prayer has helped calm me down and put in perspective the more important things in life. Even though there are mounds of things that I need to do and should do, I can't help but have a cheesy smile plastered on my face right now. Nothing is going according to plan. I haven't checked off that one darn item presently inhabiting my daily planner on the "to do" list. It has resided there for a good two weeks now and yet I have my cheesy grin. It's ridiculously cheesy. Sort of like the ones you have when you are watching a cheesy chic flick or am I the only one with weird face contortions when watching TV? I even had one when I was watching Phelps win his 7th gold medal. Ha haha…sigh. My patriotism goes up a notch or two when the Olympics are on every 4th year. Weird. GOOO USAAAA!!!! Woooooooo….
Thursday, August 7, 2008
funny encounters.
Funny Encounter 1:
Soooooooooo, at Staples right now you can get 10 folders for FREE!!!! Being the poor teacher that I am, I ecstatically jumped for joy at the opportunity of getting anything for the kiddos for FREE!!!! Ahem, so this deal has been going on since Tuesday and I have been going every day to get my 10 and pulled in my sister and brother-in-law as reinforcements. You see, since it is FREE you are only allowed to go to the store once per day and allotted 10 per person. So today, after playing soccer with the fellows, I decided to try and recruit them in going with me to get like 100 folders...sadly, they laughed at my ploy and was silent. [I took that as a "No, Vina"] Disappointed at their reluctance to help me, I left anyways to get my measly 10 folders. As I was parking, I noticed a group of youngins sitting on the curb with their skateboards. [Is the light going off?] Sweaty, stinky, and looking a bit nasty I boldly approached the "gang" cheesily requesting that they help a poor teacher by escorting me inside the Staples to grab 10 folders each. After a tiny bit of "groveling" they said "Yeah, sure...why not..." [moping and dragging turtle speed pace] NO MATTER!!! I will be getting 70 folders!!! WAHOOOOOOOO!!! I wanted to thank them by buying them some candy but then that cost $5 and it would have defeated the purpose of getting FREE folders. I loudly thanked them repeatedly instead. Weeeeeee!!! I will be able to supply the kids with an abundance of folders up to my chinny chin chin AND my sister and brother-in-law are feeding in another 20 per day until the sad ending of this FREE-ness comes to an end on Saturday. Sigh....so you see....all things come to those who wait. HAHAHHAHA...no worries if you think I am greedy; that is partially correct HOWEVER I do know the meaning of the word SHARE, and share I shall do.
PS. One of the skater dudes was asking me if I wanted him to just take a box and run out the door. "Uh, no no no NO...please don't as it is really painless, see?! I hand you this and we go stand in line and no one gets hurt." [or jailed - I muttered in my head.] Thankfully they obliged and we all came out as winners! Well, more me than them. Te he...
Funny Encounter 2:
I was standing in line to purchase a cute pair of shoes I found at Marshalls when a young girl [couldn't have been more than 9] emphatically screamed in my direction "JOE!!!!!" Scared out of my wits end I look behind me as I wanted to see "JOE" too! Nobody behind me, odd. I look at little girl. Little girl looks at me. I'm not Joe - I think to myself. Little girl pointing at me. RUDE - I think....and then I look down and start laughing....my shirt has a Jonas brother on it and apparently his name is "JOE." I plum forgot I was wearing the shirt and foolishly said "Aww...yes Joe. He he...he." I got the Camp Rock shirt while I was in Canada under the influence of my 13 year old shopping advisor, Josh. Yes, that in and of itself was a sad, sad day. Where is my willpower? AND how did I let a 13 year old influence my purchase?!?!
Hahahaha...yes, that is my life. Weeeeeeeee!!! What did you do today?
Soooooooooo, at Staples right now you can get 10 folders for FREE!!!! Being the poor teacher that I am, I ecstatically jumped for joy at the opportunity of getting anything for the kiddos for FREE!!!! Ahem, so this deal has been going on since Tuesday and I have been going every day to get my 10 and pulled in my sister and brother-in-law as reinforcements. You see, since it is FREE you are only allowed to go to the store once per day and allotted 10 per person. So today, after playing soccer with the fellows, I decided to try and recruit them in going with me to get like 100 folders...sadly, they laughed at my ploy and was silent. [I took that as a "No, Vina"] Disappointed at their reluctance to help me, I left anyways to get my measly 10 folders. As I was parking, I noticed a group of youngins sitting on the curb with their skateboards. [Is the light going off?] Sweaty, stinky, and looking a bit nasty I boldly approached the "gang" cheesily requesting that they help a poor teacher by escorting me inside the Staples to grab 10 folders each. After a tiny bit of "groveling" they said "Yeah, sure...why not..." [moping and dragging turtle speed pace] NO MATTER!!! I will be getting 70 folders!!! WAHOOOOOOOO!!! I wanted to thank them by buying them some candy but then that cost $5 and it would have defeated the purpose of getting FREE folders. I loudly thanked them repeatedly instead. Weeeeeee!!! I will be able to supply the kids with an abundance of folders up to my chinny chin chin AND my sister and brother-in-law are feeding in another 20 per day until the sad ending of this FREE-ness comes to an end on Saturday. Sigh....so you see....all things come to those who wait. HAHAHHAHA...no worries if you think I am greedy; that is partially correct HOWEVER I do know the meaning of the word SHARE, and share I shall do.
PS. One of the skater dudes was asking me if I wanted him to just take a box and run out the door. "Uh, no no no NO...please don't as it is really painless, see?! I hand you this and we go stand in line and no one gets hurt." [or jailed - I muttered in my head.] Thankfully they obliged and we all came out as winners! Well, more me than them. Te he...
Funny Encounter 2:
I was standing in line to purchase a cute pair of shoes I found at Marshalls when a young girl [couldn't have been more than 9] emphatically screamed in my direction "JOE!!!!!" Scared out of my wits end I look behind me as I wanted to see "JOE" too! Nobody behind me, odd. I look at little girl. Little girl looks at me. I'm not Joe - I think to myself. Little girl pointing at me. RUDE - I think....and then I look down and start laughing....my shirt has a Jonas brother on it and apparently his name is "JOE." I plum forgot I was wearing the shirt and foolishly said "Aww...yes Joe. He he...he." I got the Camp Rock shirt while I was in Canada under the influence of my 13 year old shopping advisor, Josh. Yes, that in and of itself was a sad, sad day. Where is my willpower? AND how did I let a 13 year old influence my purchase?!?!
Hahahaha...yes, that is my life. Weeeeeeeee!!! What did you do today?
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