j williams

There are times where I wish I had the power to make a huge change, where I can wipe away all the bad and replace it with good…where people would no longer be judged by their past but the present. Where people are given a new chance, a new beginning, a new start. I have a kid – 'J' – he has been marked as a very high "at risk" student. Needless to say, no teacher in their "right" mind would want to take this student into their class. So, when his teacher asked if I could absorb the student for three days – I was a bit scared out of my mind but agreed to it as I am a sucker for not being able to say no. Surprisingly, I didn't see the "at risk" everyone was talking about. This kid, was a super smart kid, respectful with his "Yes ma'ams and No ma'ams", had a beam in his eye and a pep in his step when he was fully engaged in learning. He had his moments but nothing out of the ordinary. So, I offered to have him be transferred into my class to alleviate a co-worker's load.

My request was granted. On Halloween, the transfer took place. It hasn't been the happy ending that I thought it would be. This week has been such a challenge. He has not been in my class since the transfer. Extortion, fighting, and assault held him in the office, at home, and away from me. I haven't had him in my class for more than 1 day since the three day trial period weeks ago. I see what CAN become of this student but outside of my classroom, something unleashes and the poor decisions he makes leads to consequences out of my hands and beyond my control. I've fought so hard for him, viewed as hopeless by others. In any given situation, he is already marked as guilty with a -100. No one can see past his record and no one can view sympathy or empathy toward his side. Not to say that I agree with the decision he made in all his incidences, but can't you just see WHY he did the thing he did? I am not saying dismiss his actions and let him get away with it….but have an understanding for the kid and his daily fight he must go through in order to survive.

Leaving on high notes with him Thursday afternoon with smiles and excitement, I surely thought Friday, yesterday, would mark the day for a new change. It was short-lived as I was brought ill news that he will be home-based for three consecutive days. Cops were called to the school, he was almost charged with assault. Parents were called and kids were taken in offices. None of this happened with my knowledge. I was not called nor was I notified until after all had been taken care of. I am saddened with such deep grief for this kid. He desperately needs prayer. This kid needs protection more than anything. This kid needs people to believe the good that is in him: the good that has been dormant for so long but is still there. It's still there! What I don't want is the devil to take this kid out. I don't want him to be used as another statistic. I don't want him to believe that he cannot fight back or come back. I don't want him to give up and give in to the evil. My heart pleads for his soul. I've come to grips that I cannot save him. I can't no matter how much I desperately want to, I can't. He has to fight but can't we help him fight? Pray for him. Pray for him, for his family, for his soul. I ask if you have a moment, to please pray for J. Williams. I know he can be so much more than what he is now. I know it.

Lord, be with him and let him know that someone out there believes he can change, believes he is good, believes in him. I believe, Jesus, that you have him in Your hands, deliver Him from evil, let him see You. I believe it Lord. I believe it. Help him believe in himself too.

my special day.

Unbeknownst to me, upon my arrival at school, I discovered that someone decided to have a party decoration store explode in my room. [This is just one side of the room.] Shockingly - literally - the kids were wondering who's birthday it was. So sad. So sad. CONTEXT clues kids - who's room is this? Poor lil things. Then again their previous teachers were telling me that it was nice of me to decorate my own room for my own birthday for the kids. Eh?! What?! I wouldn't do such a thing, perhaps for someone else's birthday but not for my own! In any case, very nice and sweet surprise to walk into. I got five more plastic rings added to my current collection too. Weeeeee!!! You know, the ones they put on top of those cupcakes!!! Yaaaaaa, that's what I'm talking about! The culprit responsible for this:



Well, normally he wouldn't be grooming a statue monkey...ha...ha



Other highlights of my day/weekend:

- Spaghetti dinner and necessity of rice cooker incident. sigh....you just don't know.
- Surprise birthday party: eek. had no clue. sneaky people! thank you.
- I got an iPod NANO! wahhooooooo...thanks sis and anh neal! LOVE it.
- Many many birthday wishes from my friends off Facebook, text, phone call. A deep THANK YOU to you all =)



None of this is deserving at all....it was quite a shock and weird feeling to get the attention and love from all the people in my life. Even if it was a simple text or post ....you made me feel special and I really do thank the Lord for you. Blessings to you and all who contributed. God's love to you always.

27:5

Have you ever done something, said something you thought you should have but when you are in the midst of the act you wish you could just stop, take back what you said, wish you weren't you right now? Guts are revealed and the gritty gruesome cold feeling of crud consumes your entire being. Enter in Proverbs 27:5

"Open rebuke is better than hidden love."

You don't know what this feels like? You don't know what this means? Consider yourself lucky. It's the feeling as if someone knocked the wind out of you. While you are down and out cold, they decide to revive you and hit you again. You wished you were in an unconscious state of mind but you aren't, you feel every bit of this sharp stinging pain. You're up again and who's hurting you is someone you love. They walk away and all you can do is watch them go. You want to run after them, but what is love if it is forced obligation? It's like someone is pulling out your heart and letting you see it's last heartbeat before you die. Funny thing is, you live through this. This won't kill you [not physically]...you hate yourself and you feel stupid. I feel stupid. Sometimes I wonder about myself. How in the WORLD am I still alive? This must be what the Lord feels like when He is rejected from the very being He took so much time to make. What I fail to do is love Him the way that He so desires to be loved. I've hit Him again and again. I've ripped out His heart, held it in my hands and laughed with it in His face. All He does is look at me with love and hurt at the things I do to Him. MAN! I don't understand why He gives me the grace and mercy that I so do not deserve. I don't even want to be around me right now. How He can still bear to see my face is beyond my comprehension. I can't, I can't understand it. I don't think I ever will until I meet His face. To be in His presence and be engulfed in His love. Ohhh, I can't wait "because You are, You are my hope. You are, You are my Song. You are, You are my Light. You are my Salvation." Come save me from me. Come pull me through. I need Your help Jesus. I need You.

hahhahaha...

....is all I got.

my kids make me giggle:

Monday:

various students at sporadic times in the morning: "You look different Miss Nguyen."

me: Really?

them: Yes.

me: Probably my hair, today it is in a pony tail.

them: Ooooooh. Yeah that's it, huh.

They notice the weirdest tiniest detail when it comes to me yet they can't look carefully on whether the problem tells them to subtract or add. REALLY?!?!

Last Friday:

Picture this. A group of kids scrambling in the dark with their teacher allowing this to happen. Why? The principal came on the intercom saying we are about to commence the Perimeter Lockdown in a few minutes. Teacher has no clue as what to do, so teacher asks the students, [Big mistake], "Kids! What is Perimeter lockdown?" Students informs teacher, "Oh, you turn off the lights and we have to hide!" Teacher must be severely lacking sleep and sanity as the teacher agreed to it. So, in room 518, lights are off, room is pitch black and kids are scattered who knows where and with whom...it finally clicks when the teacher hears the other classes going about business as normal. "Hey! I don't think this is right!?!" says the teacher. Kids giggling. [uh-oh....trickster little rug rats]. Teacher goes to another teacher's room and asks ever so kindly as rug rat kids are finishing their Texas book assignment.

"What is perimeter lockdown?" Teacher 1 asks Veteran teacher 2.
"You lock your door and business as usual." says Teacher 2
"Thank you." Teacher 1.

Teacher 1 returns to class wanting to fully yell out rug rats as teacher was made out like a gullible fool....but can't....laughter and giggles just consumes as the memories of how ridiculous we probably looked had a principal or someone would have witnessed our madness. Students giggle and laugh as well as they knew they had pulled one over their teacher. This is all hypothetical of course. I am actually the veteran teacher as I would not ever be gullible enough to allow this to happen in my room. Oh no, not this Asian gal. Ha hahaa.... sigh. whatever.

exhausted

i'm pooped. weird cable man in my room.
the man speaks chinese....go figure.
he's taking so long. why is he here so late?
i haven't watched tv in over a month.
i really don't need cable in my room.
i'm pretty sure i will be using it later
but right now i'm pretty CRANKY.
sleep is what i want. sleep is what i need.
c'mon man! so sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

side note: got YELLLLED at by one of
my student's mom today. 7:35 AM to be exact.
she actually hung up on me because she
was so mad and told me to call her later
because she needed to cool off right now.
i was speechless....

called back during my conference period.
we reconciled our differences and came to
an agreement after much deliberation!
sigh....i'm so tired. grrrrrr....cable man,
cable man please goooooo away.
won't you come another daaaaaay!?!?!

i have two weddings, guitar lesson, kick off
prayer internship, evangelizing, possible
birthday dinner, and not to forget hanging
out with my floater this weekend. not to leave out my
regular church and chilling with me family routine too!
my my my...i think i may have overbooked myself.
uh-oh.

change.

As I told my kids on Thursday and Friday, change is constant. I made them repeat it again and again, but I really don't think they fully grasp the meaning of it. Like Maslow's theory, the bell rang and they salivated, eyeing the coveted "freedom" door anticipating the moment I let them cross. Poor lil things, I about killed them on Friday. 25 kids with one teacher. Guess who's the lucky soul keeper? Yep, the other teacher was off doing who knows what but it seemed like an eternity. The kids were restless, I was tired and we were both moaning for her to come back. I have lost my co-teacher. I am now in charge of teaching all subjects. [Enter panic and worry.] Sigh. I inherited 4 additional kids as well. They all felt like they got the short end of the stick. [Um, Heeelloooo?!?] I told their sad lil puppy eyes, "Too bad, so sad. You are now mine and must play by my rules - which is dictatorship." The kid who I had to walk home with the lecturing grandma and the in-denial father was one who I have inherited in my classroom. FAAAAN-TASTIC. Bright side: Ms. C will still inhabit the same room. I didn't get the pee-er boy. Downside: I'll miss the rug rats as they were a good bunch of kids to torture. [j/k] We have been working like nobody's business getting the transition done by Monday. Thursday we went home at 10:30. Yesterday, 1:30 AM. What will today bring? Shoot 4 PM as it is my mom's birthday and she wants to go to the Gaylord. Why? Who knows, at least I won't be up in room 518 at my school.

Dedication man....de-di-ca-tion. Who bets I crack within one month? I wouldn't doubt it. hehehe...I foresee a mental health day very soon.

dismal to dyn-o-mite day.

There's a reason why you let the kids write about themselves, hysterical laughter. Today was the absolute most horrendous of a school day and it's just the second week. [Looking forward to the next 9 months. Please note the extreme sarcasm.] Got me a pee-er and two liars accompanied by a ferocious anxiety attack in the morning. Grandma lecture of how to teach a child correct behavior and a father's denial that his "good" kid can do no wrong to end my day. Conversation with father to extend during my whole 25 minutes of lunch come this Thursday. All in all....I'm thankful to be alive. It's funny now, but had you been at my school to witness me this morning, you would've seen a torn up teacher. So being the optimist that I am [note sarcasm again], I decided to "get to know" my kids, as if that would alleviate the pangs of my woes. I finally read their "Get Acquainted" paper I asked them to complete last week, ta hahahah...we need to work on GRAMMAR/SPELLING. [Isn't the kettle calling the teapot black?] To get a feel with what I am working with see examples of student's work below. True names will not be revealed and spelling errors will remain in tact to keep integrity of the author's writing.

Favorite food is: Rice With Fish and Soup [Only an Asian girl would write this down]
My favorite game is: I love to clean [Wow. Really?]

Gigantor of a Behavioral Issue Student/ Pee-er
The subject I like best is: math
The subject I like least is: spilling [Hmm, would explain the incident today.]

Just exited Bilingual Student
The subject I like least is: waking up early [waaaa?!?!]
I feel proud when my dad makes his ribbis. [Dude, I'm speechless. I would like to think he was trying to say rib eyes but I have no clue.]

Amazon Girl Student
I would like to be a Movie Star when I group up. [Ahh yes, I would like you to group up too.]

answer.

So, not only am I indecisive but I'm a little bit impatient. Well, not entirely true in all instances or circumstances but when it deals with matters of the heart and the Lord - I am a microwaveable answer wanting fool. I've been up since 4 AM on my day off. [Yep that's right - madness I say madness!] I got a definite 1 of 2 answers on what I should do. Progress! The first I have no doubt that I need to suck it up and obey. It will be the most challenging thing that will be the death of me this school year. There is such an easier, greener road I can take on that one but sigh....you know how that story goes...must be obedient. The second answer I have is like, "Really?! Are you sure? Really?!" type of answer. It makes no sense. It's a leap of faith. "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." [Hebrews 11:1] I really don't know what is to come or if I am making the right decision. The Lord has been placing verses here and there to encourage me that all will be okay. "Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." [Hebrews 10:36] It will disappoint the old but will be embraced by the new. Lord willing, I will take this step of faith. "...as a result, we learned not to rely on ourselves, but on God..." [2 Corinthians 1:8]

I gotta laugh at the thought of my current situation. Three years ago, making these decisions would not even exist as I would not hesitate in doing whatever that was best for me. It makes me smile at the many miles I have gone in my walk. As Romans 6:20 explains it: In those days, I was a slave to sin and wasn't concerned with doing what was right in His eyes. I was ashamed of the things I used to do but now, I am a slave of God and do things to please Him. I have many many more miles to go but I'm steadily trying to walk forward. For "it isn't enough just to have faith. Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all - it is dead and useless." [James 2:17] Pawn to the King. Lead me back if I made the wrong choice. My eyes are on You. Checkmate.

direction. decisions. diffuse bomb.

I'm a pretty indecisive person. So when there's three choices, I wait until the other two are taken to make my choice. Even then, I wonder if I was even meant to choose the third one or should I have left it for someone else? I'm second guessing every decision I make, every step that I take...it's like that creepy love song, "Every breathe you take, every step you take...I'll be watching you..." but that has nothing to do with what I am facing. [mental note: avoid side tracking.]

I want to do what is right. I want to do what is on His plan, but why oh WHY do I not know what that is!? Sort of takes you back to that Catch 22 in regards to the freedom of choice dilemma thing. The freedom of choosing the red pill or the blue pill. I have the power to choose when I sadly do not want that freedom liberty thing at this moment. Lord, just tell me! I will follow. Sadly, I hear nothing. I see nothing. I know nothing. The only thing I know is I am totally in the midst of chaotic torture of a mind trip. [Must press on. Get it together Nguyen!] Sigh....whatever...I'm throwing the slips of paper into a bucket and picking out my choice of where to go, what to do, and when. Jesus, guide the piece of paper into my hand...or slap me. Either way, talk to me. Please.

Side note:

Refreshing verse I read today:
John 15:16 "You didn't choose me. I chose you."

believe.

My sister's friend is over at the house doing some project for her parent's 50th anniversary. She brought her baby. Cute little thing was cute when he was peacefully laying there in his crib/car seat thing. However, that was very short lived when a wave of wailing proceeded by his arms tossing from side to side suddenly commenced one hour after her arrival. Needless to say, my nap time was short lived as well. I couldn't help but envy the baby. It didn't care about the worries of tomorrow or even today. It didn't wonder about what others would think of it when it cried. It simply did what it knew and felt. Something bothered him, he let his momma know the only way he knew how and she came a running.

Have you ever felt a big knot in your heart? So heavy, filled with God only knows what, and you want it out but it just won't leave and let you be? You just want to slam doors, kick walls, or shake keyboards violently to help lessen the pain of what has been pulling you down. I want to wail like that baby. I want to scream. I want someone to pick me up and say that all is fine, give me a hug, and calm me down when I do. Yes, I know it is going to be fine but somehow having someone there just to guide you along makes it easier. Everyone has their own burdens and battles that I think it silly of me to impose mine on theirs. Call it pride...I want to reach out but I can't. This is about the most I can do to let it out. God is sovereign and Jesus is enough. I've got to hold on to that. I'm gripping it with all I have left in me. I may not feel like He is but I trust in believing that He is and that He will come through. The feelings may never catch up to what I believe to be true but I must act like it is so, that it may be so. You are what you believe. The mind is a powerful thing. It can be the source to keep you alive or the downfall to take you out. The things of this world sets a trap and it hooks me from time to time. Worry, anxiety, frustration comes rushing in and I start to doubt myself. Ironic, isn't it? I am a teacher. I am placed in the schools to help kids believe in themselves. These kids are so bright and unaware of how much potential they have in their lives. How much they can do if they just believe. How hard is that? I tell them over and over that I believe in them. I believe they can do it. I know they can do it and that they too should start believing in themselves. While I am telling them to believe in themselves I barely believe myself. It's like that one man who cried out to the Lord, "I want to believe, but help my unbelief." I'm not looking for pity, I just want to be real with you. If you ever find yourself feeling like you're in a deep dark hole with nothing to look up to and dirt is starting to pour over and on you, just remember though it may seem like it is getting worse, you can do something about it. Shake the dirt off of you. Step on it, pound it down. Don't let it overtake you. Slowly and surely, the dirt that was meant to bury you will rise as you step and pound on top of it. Soon you find yourself gladly pounding on the dirt to climb out of the hole where you once thought you could never get out. It's rough, it's tough and believe me you start to lose hope. Press on and keep on going. Meanwhile, I'm praying for the both of us. Don't lose heart. Don't lose hope. God is sovereign and Jesus is enough. I believe in Him. Do you believe?

sigh...

....extenuation of mental exhaustion. I don't think I can hold up much longer. Been having the insomniac sleeping conditions again. I quiver at the thought of undergoing the same fatalities as last year. Oh Lord, please no. The warning signs are surfacing though and I can't seem to stop them. I know everything will be okay but why the 5:30 AM wake up??!?! Seriously? The lack of sleep is slowly deteriorating my brain - the little that I have left - and working wonders in my patience. I was about a nano second away from yelling at a friend for helping me and my brother in law for being hungry. Oh my! Soooooooo....

I declare tomorrow: SLEEP day! wahooooo...

after attending my beloved church that is. Oh and that one scrapbook sister thing in the afternoon. Okay perhaps not sleep DAY but surely I will be able to fit a NAP into my schedule?!?! Ohhhh naps are just a blessing man - truly undervalued blessing. I heart naps. te he...oh just thinking about having the opportunity to take a nap makes me giddy again. yay!

overload.

Work overload. Info overload. Brain overload.
Oh, and I plum blacked out at JoAnn's due to
the re-allocation of my blood to the carter blood center.

Too late to get it back now. ai....
Can't sleep. Fidgety. Will be at school tomorrow.
Psycho? Of course! The kids are coming MONDAY!
So much to do...so much to remember....so MUCH.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
Mind roaming at a rapid pace. Turtle brain slow to process all of it.
Still a peace invades me every now and then about the whole thing. odd...
Must be Holy Spirit. Thanks gooooooodnesssssss.

PS. I just got a $1.77 check from Old Navy. WOW! What will I ever do with the gargantuan of a check thing? Hoping not to spend all in one place. hehaha...dude, can't even buy a Happy Meal. Sigh....but I sure can get me a dollar value hamburger with no onions. Mmmmm...

a mother's inconceivable declaration.

Hahaha...I haven't seen my parents in about 2 1/2 weeks and this is what I get when I finally do visit them:

me: "Mom, Dad - Helllooo?!?!"
dad: silent accompanied with a strange look.
me: gave the man a hug, a smile, and a hello.
dad: nothing. the man lays stiff on the bed but still maintains the strange look.
me: alright, moving along to the kitchen for mom then.

[side attack by rugrat dog of a muskrat. grrrr...he's still alive.]

mom: "VIIIIIIIIINA! You look better. Your hair is so long!"
me: "Hiiiiii MOM!" [cheesy big grin smile]
mom: Ecstatic smile reciprocation and then an emphatic, "You have a BOYFRIEND don't you?!"
me: er, whaaa?!?! "Noooooo Mom I don't!" [accompanied by hysterical laugh that causes more incrimination than you can imagine]
mom: "You DO that's why we haven't seen you!"
me: "MOM, NO really I don't. I'm sorry - no boyfriend, just been busy. I am just really happy to see you and your weirdness!" [ok, I didn't say weirdness but I really wanted to as I was still laughing from the unforeseen comment. The laughing is actually hurting my case than helping it because when I lie, I smile really big because I stink at lying. Ha haha..]
mom: "Noooo, you do!!!! DAAAD she finally has a boyfriend!"

dad: straggles in the kitchen at a rather rapid pace. "Where have you been? What have you been doing? Why so long? Who are you?!"
mom: "You finally have a boyfriend! Ha hah ah ha...yay!"
dog: barking at all the commotion.
me: Oh my! Seriously?!? Maybe I should have just called.

The real cause of the joy: Jesus Christ my friends. Jesus Christ and His unconditional love and grace towards me.

weeeeeeeee!!

Awww…the joys of praise and worship – Luke Wood just makes it so much easier to get focused on the Lord. A newly found artist gratefully given by my newly found friend – on loan of course. I've been attending a prayer meeting each night this week. Well, except for Wednesday as it is OCBF day. It's been a blessing in teaching me on how to pray. Sounds funny but it's true, I needed help. It's like working out, when you first start it's awkward and you know it's good for you so you go. You run on the treadmill for 10 minutes and you pat yourself on the back for doing something. However, you know you should be increasing in workout quality but you don't really know how to get started correctly. So what do you do? You get a trainer. There is a reason why this group calls themselves "The Prayer House." These people know how to pray. It's been a hectic week and Lord knows I need prayer time. [Not just to pray for myself but intervening for others as well.] I've been running around in circles like a hamster in his wheel going nowhere. Perhaps it's more like a dog chasing his tail. I think I am getting closer, achieving something but in the end – I never quite get it. Literally, I don't ever get "it." I can't seem to get to the point where I can honestly say, "Yep, I'm ready for the litter of kids! Bring 'em in! Hook 'em horns!" Wait a minute, that's not right. He he…I didn't even attend UT. Te hehe. In any case, prayer has helped calm me down and put in perspective the more important things in life. Even though there are mounds of things that I need to do and should do, I can't help but have a cheesy smile plastered on my face right now. Nothing is going according to plan. I haven't checked off that one darn item presently inhabiting my daily planner on the "to do" list. It has resided there for a good two weeks now and yet I have my cheesy grin. It's ridiculously cheesy. Sort of like the ones you have when you are watching a cheesy chic flick or am I the only one with weird face contortions when watching TV? I even had one when I was watching Phelps win his 7th gold medal. Ha haha…sigh. My patriotism goes up a notch or two when the Olympics are on every 4th year. Weird. GOOO USAAAA!!!! Woooooooo….

funny encounters.

Funny Encounter 1:

Soooooooooo, at Staples right now you can get 10 folders for FREE!!!! Being the poor teacher that I am, I ecstatically jumped for joy at the opportunity of getting anything for the kiddos for FREE!!!! Ahem, so this deal has been going on since Tuesday and I have been going every day to get my 10 and pulled in my sister and brother-in-law as reinforcements. You see, since it is FREE you are only allowed to go to the store once per day and allotted 10 per person. So today, after playing soccer with the fellows, I decided to try and recruit them in going with me to get like 100 folders...sadly, they laughed at my ploy and was silent. [I took that as a "No, Vina"] Disappointed at their reluctance to help me, I left anyways to get my measly 10 folders. As I was parking, I noticed a group of youngins sitting on the curb with their skateboards. [Is the light going off?] Sweaty, stinky, and looking a bit nasty I boldly approached the "gang" cheesily requesting that they help a poor teacher by escorting me inside the Staples to grab 10 folders each. After a tiny bit of "groveling" they said "Yeah, sure...why not..." [moping and dragging turtle speed pace] NO MATTER!!! I will be getting 70 folders!!! WAHOOOOOOOO!!! I wanted to thank them by buying them some candy but then that cost $5 and it would have defeated the purpose of getting FREE folders. I loudly thanked them repeatedly instead. Weeeeeee!!! I will be able to supply the kids with an abundance of folders up to my chinny chin chin AND my sister and brother-in-law are feeding in another 20 per day until the sad ending of this FREE-ness comes to an end on Saturday. Sigh....so you see....all things come to those who wait. HAHAHHAHA...no worries if you think I am greedy; that is partially correct HOWEVER I do know the meaning of the word SHARE, and share I shall do.

PS. One of the skater dudes was asking me if I wanted him to just take a box and run out the door. "Uh, no no no NO...please don't as it is really painless, see?! I hand you this and we go stand in line and no one gets hurt." [or jailed - I muttered in my head.] Thankfully they obliged and we all came out as winners! Well, more me than them. Te he...



Funny Encounter 2:
I was standing in line to purchase a cute pair of shoes I found at Marshalls when a young girl [couldn't have been more than 9] emphatically screamed in my direction "JOE!!!!!" Scared out of my wits end I look behind me as I wanted to see "JOE" too! Nobody behind me, odd. I look at little girl. Little girl looks at me. I'm not Joe - I think to myself. Little girl pointing at me. RUDE - I think....and then I look down and start laughing....my shirt has a Jonas brother on it and apparently his name is "JOE." I plum forgot I was wearing the shirt and foolishly said "Aww...yes Joe. He he...he." I got the Camp Rock shirt while I was in Canada under the influence of my 13 year old shopping advisor, Josh. Yes, that in and of itself was a sad, sad day. Where is my willpower? AND how did I let a 13 year old influence my purchase?!?!

Hahahaha...yes, that is my life. Weeeeeeeee!!! What did you do today?

thinking.

...yeah I know perhaps I shouldn't be thinking but in any case, I have an inkling of what I will be doing 5 years from now!! Have you ever had that asked to you repeatedly? Well, if you have had any type of interview - that there my friend is one THE most dreaded questions to be asked - I hate that question. I never knew what I will be doing in the next hour let alone the next 5 years!! They ask me like I have a 5 year plan set in stone and thoroughly worked out like an algebra problem. Puh-lease. It was always difficult for me to obtain a job, perhaps my answer of "Huh...still working for you? He he [smile]" to the question could've been my "reject this loser" stamp. To further secure my reject pile they ask me, "So, tell me a little bit about yourself." Answer: Silence because what I know I am about to say is about exciting as a goldfish living in a bowl. "Well, I graduated from college in my hometown with the two degrees that I have no interest in, living with my sister and her husband, no prospects of marriage anytime soon [I heard this rings stability in obtaining a job], stumbled upon your company through monster.com and thought I give you a try. I've never moved farther than 30 miles of where I was born and still have nightmares from watching Freddy Kreuger movies." Yeah I would reject myself too. HA! HA! BUT now....now is different - I know what I should be doing and I have a somewhat phenomenal outlook in what could be my future. Thanks be to the Lord! I always had a heart to go out and elsewhere and I think it's time I start doing something about it. Missions is what I love to do on any occasion I am able to and I think it is fitting that I should start seeing what I need to do to become a missionary. When? Where? How long? Who knows but I'm pretty excited about it. I'm thinking if this is in the Lord's will then by God He will show me the way!!

back from burlington, canada

Days are going fast and it's bittersweet.

I'm back in Hamilton from Burlington. Never in my life have I watched so much Disney TV. I'm Hannah Montana-d out. I am officially caught up on the ins and outs of what's cool and "hip" from the perspective of a 5 year old, 9 year old [but about to be 10], and a 13 year old. My goodness...

but the point of no return in regards to how old I really am had to have hit on July 9th when the 9 year old's father dropped her, the 13 year old, and myself at the mall. Oh the horrid memories of junior high came a rolling in torpedo speed. The car he drove us in came to a screeching halt in the front of the mall and the youngins came out squealing with pure excitement at the thought of being able to go to the local mall unsupervised [well there was me of course] on a weekday. People were a staring [some cute ones at that] and I couldn't help but laugh at the moment. I went into hysterical laughter when "dad" said...."Ok, here you are girls!!! Be careful and have fun. Call me when you need me to pick you up." To which I couldn't help but say, "Thaaaaaanks DAD!" and slam the door. The girls looked at me and asked me what was so funny....."You wouldn't understand my young lads. You wouldn't understand."

There willl be many things I will miss from Canada but I am anxious for my return this Sunday. I miss my family, friends, my church, and soccer. See you soon guys. See you soon!

Canadian Friends

First day of VBS survival recap. Compass Point Bible Church 8:30-12 [22 kids: yelling, defiant, and moody until I brought out the magical gummy bears then all fell in line...yep that's what I am talking about!!!] then goes the Hispanic version from 1-3 [ 12 kids: screaming, yelling, disobedient, stubborn, language deficit until I brought out the magical gummy bears then all but one fell into line - hey! you can't win them all.]...afterwards? A desperately needed afternoon nap with my buddy Victoria. Once we woke up we decided to take a leisurely walk around her neighborhood and ended up at the mall where I splurged and bought her a little something for her great assistance in showing me around town. What a great friend I have found in a 9 year old. Yep, a nine year old [but soon to be 10 in 16 more days - as she repeatedly told me like I forgot or something]....hahha.a.....so sad. Not to worry my other Canadian best friend breaks the double digit numbers as she is presently 13!!! heheheh...aye aye aye....

a few memories

Below are just some of the experiences I was able to capture on camera.


Tim Horton's: our equivalent Starbuck's


Me picking strawberries!! yay.


Youth prayer night

Hamilton, Canada.

In Canada, complications or resistances from me would be non-existence being it a non-third world country. HA! Needless to say, after the FIRST day here - I was ready to pack up and say, "I'm sorry, I just can't be here right now!" I mean....it was pretty bad to where I was contacting people from home asking them for massive prayer to keep me here. The Lord answered [thankfully] and finally opened my eyes to things that I take for granted. Things that I shouldn't REALLY be complaining about. Basically, He was like: "Vina, suck it up and do the work that I need you to do and not what you thought you would do." So....I quit my whining and finally realized...eh he....it's not all that bad. Today was a full preparation work day and I finally called it quits on the account of remaining sane and hunger pangs. When I was picked up by the pastor, he opened with:

Pastor Sergio: "So I need to ask you for a faaaaaavor."
[Ugh....what NOW?!?!? seriously? - in brain]
Me: "Yes?!"
Pastor Sergio: "So, this is the only time we are able to do this."
[Yiiiikes]
Pastor continues: "I need you to pick strawberries."
[Eh?!]
Pastor: "There is a field where we can pick strawberries...and I need you to help me pick them."
Me: "SURE!!!"
[Whoooooo, fun fun fun.....]

I immediately thought of my sister as she wanted to pick bluberries before I left but schedules and sinus attacks would not allow for us to actually go. So we went and it was FANTABULOUS. I am thankful to the Lord for just allowing me to experience it. I was like a FARMER y'all....a FARMER!!!...bending over and pickin' berries. Yee-haw! The Lord is good when you trust in Him. Funny thing is....He will not show you the greatness until you act on the unseen first. It's like someone telling you to walk through the tunnel, at the end of the tunnel there will be a door. You won't know that unless you walk throught the darkness of the tunnel and trusting what has been told of you. Trust comes before seeing otherwise it wouldn't be called faith, eh?!

Berries to you and hope to update more soon!

SPECIAL THANK YOUS TO: My sister, Eva, and Wendell for words of encouragement and prayer....and to the YOUTH group here for a powerful prayer meeting as well and words of inspiration and courage. Be strong in faith and hope. It's a new day!

my sunday

Below is a picture of the Missionary Couple from Canada that I will be in contact with on my upcoming mission trip. Sweetest couple...with a tremendous testimony of over 30 years of ministry. That's what I love about getting to know people one on one - their story: the falls, the bruises, and eventually their triumph. We talked for over two hours and could have gone longer! Mind you it was during the Euro Finals but well worth the sacrifice to have had some time to get to know them. No worries, a wonderful fellow friend angie TIVO'd the game for me and we were able to watch my team win in victory over the Germans with some sprinkle cupcakes.





.....then I was off to root on the fellows at their soccer game to which they won 4-3: if memory serves me correctly. So overall it was a WIN-WIN-WIN day!

side note: getting pumped up about my departure on tuesday. eeeeeeee...or should I say ehhhhhhhh?!?!?!? heheh and behold the beloved exclamation point decided to work today. woo-hooooooo!!! sigh...this day just keeps getting better and better. HGTV time.

final.

Go Spain Go [There would be some exclamation points immediately following the 'Go' but darn the computer and it's sudden strike in no longer producing the exclamation point upon demand. I repeatedly hit it firmly - nothing. Grrrr...I shook it violently but that didn't seem to persuade it to start working again either. sigh.] ANYWAYS, I am pretty excited about the upcoming Euro Final as I was able to follow [for the most part] the tourney since being off of work. YAY....I know Germany is the favorite to win but I'm the sort to root for the underdog [Especially when my team got kicked out of the tourney already. sniff. sniff.]

Well, the Canadian Missionaries [the couple that is stationed at my upcoming mission trip location] calls to schedule a meeting since they are currently in the DFW area. I left my Saturday schedule open to meet them since that was the initial date we both agreed upon weeks earlier. However, weather in Detroit delayed there arrival in DFW. Long story short - they could only meet on Sunday during the time of the EURO FINAL....aaaah [exclamation point] So, I did the whole, "Uhhh..well.....that day is not a good day for me to meet." [You know where my priorities lay - so sad.] Hours later, after remorse and guilt - I sent out an email saying that I would meet them regardless of location BUT if they wanted to make a trip to where I live and watch the soccer game along with great Asian food at the AIR CONDITIONED house then that would be FANTASMIC.....

I'm awaiting on the reply....fingers crossed and Lord willing they will oblige. hehehehe....if not, I will be needing someone with TIVO access fast.

splurge.

I finally succumbed to the inevitable purchase of a new digi camera. To just give you an idea of how old my camera is...let's just say the memory stick is still in MB and not GB. The 3.0 megapixels just isn't cutting it anymore and the ever so annoying 5.0 turtle speed of a lag kills any decent outcome of an action shot. Frustrated at the quality pictures from a fellow friend's wedding this past weekend, I decided to visit the local Wolf Camera store. My how the camera selections have increased exponentially! As a highly indecisive person, making a decision was rough AND don't you just hate it when the salesguy whips out, "well, if you are looking for a great camera - this is it!" You "oooo and aaaaah" and then you ask, "how much is this camera?" Salesman combats, "oh it's only over your budget about $150 dollars." Punks show you all the knick knacks and patty whacks of this "just arrived" camera so when you go back to your previous selections they just don't seem all that great anymore. Grrrrr....schemers I tell you...schemers. However, anticipating the great multitude of camera candy and evilness of selling tricks, I decided to call upon an expert friend to help me narrow my choices down. Good thing, as one of the cameras that coincided with my top ten and his top six was the perfect "friendly" budgeted choice. I am a proud owner of the Fujifilm F45 FD!! I'm going to give my new camera a spin around the block and then some tomorrow!!! Oooooh I'm a skippy happy giddy girl with a new toy....

weakling.

I do NOT know what is wrong with me. My left shoulder is killing me. Was it because of the five push ups I decided to do on Tuesday? My leg throbs each time I attempt to jog with the thing. Grrrr... and each song that comes on makes me want to weep. Emphasis on want....I have not yet produced the tear, but the production of producing the tear is there no doubt. Dude, I need to suck it up or those 4th graders are going to runneth over me.

Side note: Hooray my parents come home tomorrow!!! No more taking care of the 15 fishes, 4 birds, 1 dog and garden full of flowers! HOOORAY!!!! They all remained alive on my watch....hahahahah who says I can't handle responsibility - puhlease!!!

bummed & bruised.

It was a rather pleasant day today - it rained! - in the dead summer of Texas heat. So, I decided to play me some soccer with a few buddies of mine. Normally, I am the only girl playing with a bunch of dudes and so they normally take it 'easy' on me. However, there is this one dude - that I do not particularly like - because let's face it, does anyone like a smack talker? [a person who doesn't really know how to play the game but acts/talks like he's a professional athlete.] In any case, the fool kicked me, cleat out - woman [that be me!] down. Grrrr...bruised up with three distinct cleat mark on my shinny shin shin. He had the nerve to say I ran into his foot?! How the physics of gravity is that possible if there are CLEAT MARKS on my leg - idiot! AND another thing...I got the ball you got my leg - Oh! If I could walk properly, your face would run into my fist. Sigh....Holy Spirit calm me down

epiphany.

I am reading a book "Go girl" by Marlee LeDai given to me by my best friend a WHILE back. Disregard the lame title [as it took me about half a year to do] and crack it open, you will find that this book is full of inspirational travelers among the leading ladies in history. Ladies who took the initiative to travel to foreign lands where their hearts would feverishly beat in them not resting until they moved, literally.

Friends and family have kindly been praising me for my love and "courage" to go and help others. I appreciate their love and it helps build a nice warm fuzzy feeling inside of me but what I am doing is child's play next to Mother Theresa, Gertrude Bell, Mary Henrietta Kingsley, Harriet Chalmers Adams and Christine Gelman. It is Christine's story that puts into perspective of what life's purpose is all about. Surrounded by war conflict in Liberia, Christine felt the Lord calling her to help the children of Africa who were led by rebel troops when they invaded their Village. They took these children on a ten hour trek through swamps and marshes - living on only one tablespoon of rice per day - only to be returned to their once haven Village. Now unrecognizable from the rebel troops pilgrimage through their home, orphanage founder, Ed Kofi, cried for help of women volunteers to come. This need took precedence over food and money in order to restore hope into the children's heart. ALL they need is love and nurture through hugs and kisses in a time of pain and grief. Story after story it's tear-jerking and mind boggling to see how much this world is in pain. I immediately feel remorse in the puny feeble things I am praying for, focusing on the things of this world when this world will inevitable perish with all things in it. My desire? To fight the battle of my flesh. To understand and remember what is of importance and what is not. "All places are alike to me because I expect to find God everywhere, who is the only object of all my desires." -St. Therese Couderc

I understand there is everyday realities that holds us accountable to jobs. There are things that we MUST do out of obligation for living purposes but I can't let it overcome what I know to be of more importance: love. Loving life enough to touch a soul and if I am blessed enough, to save a soul by introducing them to Jesus Christ. I am pumped up more than ever to live this life in concordance to God's will: be whatever it may lead me. I know where I will be if my life is to end, that in and of itself should clear most of my fear. Help me remember what is of importance. Help me remember.

** What I do worry about is my family. Will they understand? I would seem crazy or even considered selfish in not thinking about how they would feel in losing a daughter/sister. The thing is that I do - more than they ever know on a daily basis. BUT how can I explain something they don't believe? Would that make it any easier? Would it help in the "why" department? Sigh, in Luke 14:26, it states the cost of being a disciple - and - I rest my hopes in Acts 17:31. **

unwise decision.

Sigh. I drank coffee. Potent coffee from the Asian man around the corner from the soccer fields. WHAT was I thinking? Oh, that's right I wasn't!! I should do something productive BUT I would need to be able to focus. Ironically, I can't focus even though my brain is active, perhaps in system overload. Mind roaming, can't complete thought, talk about short attention span ADD - so THIS is what my kids feel like when I am teaching!!! I can't do anything 'meaningful', this is as good as it gets in doing something of worth. Sad...

Moving on to something else unproductive.

I wish I owned a Wii Fit - that would come in HANDY. They got a cool looking soccer game to go with it. Ooooohhh, to own one would be heavenly!!!

moved.

I'm speechless....

I just received my account from CAM international for my upcoming mission trip to Canada and what can I say...there was an additional $150 added to my account!! The people who have contributed are ones who I was not anticipating to pop up as my donors. It really shocks and moves me how fantabulously giving people can be and it makes me want to weep - out of joy - at the graciousness of others. Especially at these times and knowing how hard money is to come by these days; I can't believe it and am utterly rendered numb at it all. Granted I do not have the amount that I need before July 1st just yet but .FORGET THAT I am so thankful for what has already been given to me as it was never promised beforehand...the Lord provides and I know regardless of how much will end up in my account, I know that it will all be for His glory. Thank you from the depths of my soul for those who have helped me on my journey with support in prayer and finances. You do NOT know how much I am thankful for you and how much you have been a blessing to me. God be with you all and may He pour out His blessings to you. Thank you again.

Morton Mustang!

it's official.
i'm a Morton Mustang.
4th grade teacher!!!

i had every intention of going to a lower 'stress-free' grade level....
but you know how the Lord works - very mysterious and always the harder road.
i LOVE this school...title I....good mix of african american, hispanic, and asian...oop and a dash of anglos. =)
the assistant principal rocks too!!!

i just let the pieces fall where they may and Lord willing I won't be flattened.

woooo-hoooooooooo!!!

i do feel a bit sad about my old school.
like telling people, "oh, i teach in Oak Cliff" - i then wait for it:
their immediate jaw drop gasp of "oh my!" like they just heard
breaking news of "i just attempted suicide earlier today."

however, what I will really miss is my fellow teachers, the STUDENTS, the Principal....
although, the teachers i taught with will not be returning. tear.
neither will MY kids....as they all passed - hallelujah! -
AND the principal will not be returning either. sniff sniff

so.... GO MUSTANGS!

yeah me! yeah me! ok, i stink. literally. need a shower.

love

Here's a thought.

In the Bible, God tests your faith in Him by means of tithing [giving 10% of your gross income]. He promises that "If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. Whatever measure you use in giving - large or small - it will be used to measure what is given back to you." [Luke 6:38] Meaning, if we give unto the Lord, He "will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." [Philippians 4:19] However the caveat is that we must give in order to receive. So it got me thinking, would the same promise be for love? So much heartache, heartbreak and mending of broken-ness these days - it's hard to believe that such a thing could exist. Then again, perhaps I'm not loving the way that God intended for me to love.... As my pastor says, "Shame the devil and tell the truth." Love is something that everyone seeks. "For love is as strong as death, and its jealousy is as enduring as the grave." [Song of Songs 8:6] Love can literally bring you from the brink of death or it can also drive you to the grave. Huh, maybe that's why in the previous verse of this same chapter it says: "I want you to promise,...., not to awaken love until the time is right." I've been told, "What we seek we already have." I seek love, but it's taking me time to fully realize that what I've been looking for, I do already have. For it is written "God is love." [I John 4:16] God found me....and therefore, so did love!! It's up to me to grab it, seize it, receive it from God and stop depending on a man to give it. I'm not men hating but realistically, no man can live up to all my expectations of what I desire - it's just not possible as we all make mistakes [especially me] and with mistakes comes disappointment which inevitably leads to hurt - to which I had my fair share. So, why is it that I can't fully be satisfied? I know Jesus is enough and God is sovereign but LORD help me understand what I cannot see. Help my feelings catch up to what I know is true and what I knw is that I am loved by YOU.

super saturday!

the day is not yet over and it has been a MAGNIFICENT saturday.

6 AM - woke up to do the son run a "friendly" four mile trek along the streets of polk, wheatland, hampton and camp wisdom. i wasn't anticipating much but wanted to finish the race "running". and i DID!!! thank the Lord! He sent me a gracious partner to keep me on pace and whaddya know? i came in second next to my partner. i even got a nifty medal and certificate to verify the proof of the whole ordeal.

Mid afternoon PICNIC at the church - gotta love my church and its festivities...rode a mini little roller coaster and even threw up my hands like the dare devil i am, played with former kids i had taught in awana, ate turkey leg, snow cone, roasted corn and finished it off with chili cheese nachos. uf. no worries, tums are near in case of any sudden abrupt gastro problems.

** currently: resting for the upcoming activities i am highly anticipating - i'm on a high rush and it feels nice to be alive today....and i am glad that i am able to enjoy it **

7 PM - one of my students cornered me spontaneously in my open 10 x 10 room to ask me if i would like to go to her dance recital thing tonight. [but it's my weekend off i thought to myself. must be strong and nicely decline.] she batted her eyes and followed it with a "please miss nguyen?"...result: i bought a ticket.

9 PM - final soccer game. wish us a healthy non-violent victory as it will be the deciding game to place us first in our league. bring it on...then again, i may be too pooped to do any running or slide tackling for the night. but hey! bring it on anyways - i'm semi half prepped and fully loaded with food in my stomach ready for some action jackson. hahhaha...deliriously derranged right now.

hope your saturday has been super like mine. toodles.

hanging in tough

as the days go by...it's harder and harder for me to stay focused. on task. working diligently. in all fairness - i feel like my kids. pooped. thank goodness i have a workshop to attend to tomorrow as i do NOT know what i would do had i needed to go into work and teach....so sad, yet it is the simple truth. i'm flabbergasted at my current exhausted condition. and to think - i should be sleeping right now. hmmmm....gotta love the irony.

slow to speak.

"be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger..."

there are many moments of each day that i doubt the positive good things i spew out to my kids. there are many times that i hard core lecture them about right from wrong. my voice elevates to an extremely loud tone at them and i can feel my blood pressure start to rise. many times i must tell myself - "calm down/chill out" - but it's not until after my elongated speech has already commenced. in the moment, it's hard to stop yourself. in the moment, all you want is for them to realize the degree of importance on how poor choice can lead to unwanted consequences. in the moment, you forget that perhaps what comes from your mouth could kill their spirit or maim them for life. could i just be dramatizing it? perhaps. but my intentions would never want for anything negative to impact their lives because of what i said in the heat of a moment. i worry about this daily. how far do i take it? when should i hold back? what should i let go? should i pull them aside and apologize? should i ease up? i love these kids...and to know that i could possibly be damaging their lives instead of lifting it frightens me to death. you've got to know that i have the best intentions at heart for each and everyone of them. they've got to know that. they've got to realize it. i've got to remember they are just kids, but they have such a long life in front of them - a life that they can choose to be whatever they want it to be. everything is a choice. it comes down to the choices. these choices will shape who they are. i hope they know that.

my prayer - given to me by a fellow sister in Christ:

"let the words that are from You be heard and let the words that hurt be forgotten"

help me be slow to speak......be slow to speak...

illogical, inconceivable, irritating.

how is it that we the patients or rather the clients of a business - must report a 24 hour notice for a cancellation of an appointment or else we must suffer the consequences of a hefty fine - but when the doctor's office can call us hours ahead of our scheduled appointment to RESCHEDULE it for another day that's convenient for them, they get away with it scott free and without a hint of remorse or regret. i find that particularly odd and disturbing as my teeth have been rotting for over two months since my last yearly visit. [yes, i know the visits should be semi-yearly - long story short - i had no insurance] in any case, they should at least throw in a "i'm sorry here's a $5 starbucks card for your troubles." type of reward or apology. if it weren't for the sad sad SAD insurance i have now, i would SO go to another dentist. too bad i am limited to monarch dental. i know. please don't tell me what i already know about the crummy place. i'm already experiencing difficulty and i haven't even made it to ONE appointment yet because they keep cancelling on me. the fourth attempt will be on may 7 - fingers crossed - Lord willing - cavities hold on...just hold on!!

giving up.

don't you just feel like giving up sometimes? i mean....there just comes a point where you are like, "what is the use and why am i still here?" i felt like that on friday. not suicidal - though it sure sounds like it - but i was thinking, "LORD! why am i still here...can i just be taken up to heaven now? i really wouldn't mind going right about now." it's one of those low moments you sink into because you find yourself in a pit and wallowing in it. you think, man! what's the purpose of my life? why can't i leave this world of pain? but i know why i am here, i have a dang purpose to fulfill and i haven't carried it out, whatever it may be. in any case, what i learned today and what i have come to grips with is that i am in - what pastor bellamy calls - 'God's training camp.' The boot camp called life: where we are put through trials and pains to help build our character through a process called discipline. i am being disciplined as i have been disciplining my 18 kids. not out of hatred or punishment but out of love and for the best interest in their lives. this is not a happy thing ...sometimes [most of the time] it is painful yet necessary to help mold what is good and beneficial in my eyes. that's what the Lord is doing but on a much higher and more perfect level - as what HE sees is significantly better than what i can see. sigh....long story short...i am back on track and ready to rumble...bring it on....no pain. no gain.

hebrews 12:1-13 [you got some time? read this for reflection and marinate in it.]

rain.

i should be doing something productive right now like:
grade papers - write future math graphic organizers - read something.
but it's raining. don't know why but i'm using that as my excuse.
i just can't seem to get motivated. i think i finally understand
how my students feel. sad. i yell at them so much. but i want
them all to pass. i know i don't have control over that - but if i
have somewhat of an authority to influence it - then by all bat mobile
i'm going to shove all the information that i can into their
brains until the very bitter end of the last grueling minute
of their third grade career.

aaaaah!! it's raining like hoodrats right now and i'm home alone!
and sitting near the window...hmmmm, maybe i should move...
eeeeek someone hold me....
at least i have my laptop computer. aaaaaaah!

so scareeeeeed....

trust. patience. faith.

what i want to know, what i need to know, and what i think i know is all irrelevent. what i see is not always what it appears to be. when will i get my answer? only the Lord will reveal in His good time. patience is key. faith is necessary. and trust is the foundation. a battle - no doubt - when all i can think of is when will i get the answer to my question: what is to become of this? yea or nay...

if only.

questions you ask yourself that has nothing but negative bad emotions and regrets. if only i was a Christian when i was younger i wouldn't have made the same mistakes, if only i knew what i know now, if only i could've said no and not give in, if only i spent more time with them, if only i wasn't chicken enough to go talk to him/her...

it's the if onlys that will kill a soul and spirit to where we are no longer useful to God. i have passed the if onlys but not to say that i have successfuly conquered the if onlys. they creep back, but what i have to remind myself is that God's grace is sufficient enough to have let go what was needed to be left. what i need is faith and trust. to hear HIS voice, to follow HIS will or else whatever i have planned or i want is rubbish compared to HIS plan. it's because i realize the full effect of digressing into one's own self centerdeness that makes me afraid: i am afraid that i will make the wrong choice that is against the Lord's will. so i don't do anything: i don't move, i don't budge and what i came to realize that in me being idle - i myself am sinning because without movement - how can someone correct you? how can the Lord push me to the right way if i haven't even taken a step? it's like with my students, i can't help them until they communicate to me. the only way they can communicate to me is if they DO something. whether it be in writing, verbally, or physically - i can't be of any use until they react, move, speak. ironic, i get so scared in making the wrong move that i actually do more harm than good. it's like stopping the car in the middle of the street when you know you are lost. you don't want to get even more lost so you just stop. does that make sense? take out GPS nav systems because let's face it, not all of us are blinging these days to afford one of those nifty gadgets and admit if you don't move, you can't get anywhere! you have to move! i have to move! even if it is in the wrong direction, hopefully and prayerfully He will get me back on track once i am able to stop and able to reference a map that can lead me to the right place. though I will most likely make unwanted detours on my journey - in the end - Lord willing, i will get to my destination. how fast i get there is dependent upon how fast i am willing to go and how much I am willing to trust the Map and how many detours can i evade.

moving forward.

it seems that wherever i go i see the same theme being repeated: 'forward march!' it's a new year. time to start a new beginning. a fresh life. to move forward you need to take that step. it's that first step that's always the hardest. it's that first reaching out that brings you to tears as you hesitate in fear of what it may bring. to be honest i'm scared and excited at the same time. oh yeah, i want a new start but without all the start-aches. Lord help me, i feel like crud.

scared.

i don't want to go back to school.