questions you ask yourself that has nothing but negative bad emotions and regrets. if only i was a Christian when i was younger i wouldn't have made the same mistakes, if only i knew what i know now, if only i could've said no and not give in, if only i spent more time with them, if only i wasn't chicken enough to go talk to him/her...
it's the if onlys that will kill a soul and spirit to where we are no longer useful to God. i have passed the if onlys but not to say that i have successfuly conquered the if onlys. they creep back, but what i have to remind myself is that God's grace is sufficient enough to have let go what was needed to be left. what i need is faith and trust. to hear HIS voice, to follow HIS will or else whatever i have planned or i want is rubbish compared to HIS plan. it's because i realize the full effect of digressing into one's own self centerdeness that makes me afraid: i am afraid that i will make the wrong choice that is against the Lord's will. so i don't do anything: i don't move, i don't budge and what i came to realize that in me being idle - i myself am sinning because without movement - how can someone correct you? how can the Lord push me to the right way if i haven't even taken a step? it's like with my students, i can't help them until they communicate to me. the only way they can communicate to me is if they DO something. whether it be in writing, verbally, or physically - i can't be of any use until they react, move, speak. ironic, i get so scared in making the wrong move that i actually do more harm than good. it's like stopping the car in the middle of the street when you know you are lost. you don't want to get even more lost so you just stop. does that make sense? take out GPS nav systems because let's face it, not all of us are blinging these days to afford one of those nifty gadgets and admit if you don't move, you can't get anywhere! you have to move! i have to move! even if it is in the wrong direction, hopefully and prayerfully He will get me back on track once i am able to stop and able to reference a map that can lead me to the right place. though I will most likely make unwanted detours on my journey - in the end - Lord willing, i will get to my destination. how fast i get there is dependent upon how fast i am willing to go and how much I am willing to trust the Map and how many detours can i evade.
